For who am I to judge / Sven Bewb

Whenever I take my daughter to the playground and discover a pile of human excrement left by a homeless person I try to catch myself from rushing to judgement and make it a point to consider that the reason it's so massive is because they had held it in for so long, that squatting underneath the twisty slide was probably a last resort type of thing.

Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: 1,000 words / Barnabus Rooblay

One thousand words before I go to sleep (and yes, these words count (that’s why I spelled out the word ‘one thousand’))

There are different ways to go about the whole. . .

It’s no wonder why mankind. . .

Isn’t it about time someone gets the balls to. . .

Say what you will about ‘standard procedure’, I say the only thing standard about it is the procedure itself. Because what is a procedure if it’s not standard? I can only think of one exception to the rule and that would be creating a giraffe out of balloons while high on PCP and wing-walking on a crop dusters chock-full of magic beans flying over the world’s largest two-bean casserole.

I mean, let’s just turn things around in general. How hard can that really be? You take the various things and you firmly applying your hands to both the right and left side simultaneously and lift the whole fucker and give the bastard the ole one eighty and set her back down. Viola! There you are now standing face to face with whatever it was in God’s name that needed turning around in the first place. And I’d argue that that’s exactly where you want it. Looking right at you. Eye to fucking eye. Then you can finally let loose a big “Well fancy seeing you here! I hope you remembered to get your hand stamped because ladies night is over and the two for ones are now zero for threes. I suggest you and I both head to a different establishment down the block, pull up a couple stools to the bar and settle this with an old fashioned game of ‘Hyper Mayhem’. Best out of seven. No tie breakers. U.S. open style. That is, if you’re up for it. Well are you?” Because what’s the things going to say to that? Not jack shit probably. Before you know it you’ll all be slapping each other on the back, laughing so hard little pieces of stale oriental mix will be flying out of your mouths, peppering your nice work trousers with shards of wasabi peas and you’ll forget why it needed turning around to begin with. But then again what the hell do I know. . .

Tell me something I don’t know. At least one word. Throw out a ‘milderon’ or maybe a ‘carphoon’. I don’t know those words. If you can’t do that then why are we wasting out time exchanging letters arranged in common patterns which are then arranged in a familiar order, all in one big structure of redundancy? It’s a travesty of detrimental proportions. I’d even go so far to say that it’s a detriment of travestial proportions. Yes, travestial. See, now we are talking! So how about that weather today?

A common misconception about whales is their sheer size. Don’t get me wrong, those fuckers are big but subjectively speaking they get far too much credence. All they do is mope around, gorge on krill, and blow a few gallons of salt water a couple dozen feet in the air like some pathetic nerd rocket geyser. You call that majestic? Give me a break. Now if you want to talk about size give me a bald eagle carrying a dead grizzly bear any day of the week. You ever see that shit? Me neither. I heard about it first hand though from my uncle Randy who used to squirrel hunt in a fictional land called The Great North Something. One morning he was prepping himself by dousing his hunting cap with fox urine when a grizzly that had to weigh two tons if it stood a foot came lumbering at him from the creek about a stone’s throw to the east. That old bear was muttering something about politics being nothing but good haircuts swapping motivational speaker jargon when it tripped on a stack poorly buried porno magazines and started a perfect barrel roll towards my uncle. Almost too perfect. Or so the story goes. Anyways he loaded his gun while trying to determine the boar’s trajectory (something he could do rather easily due to the surprisingly smooth terrain and stupefying precision that was the bear ball combined with his expertise in kinematics) and just before he pulled the trigger that damned eagle swooped in and knocked off his piss cap before seizing the dizzied beast by the throat, breaking its neck in three places, and hoisting him to the splendor above, never to be seen again. He also said that just then a rainbow appeared but me and the rest of the family pretty much agree that that part had to be bullshit. I mean c’mon.

Hold that thought. Don’t stand there like a scarecrow with it cradled between your two palms while you wait for further instructions. Just hang onto it and go about your normal day to day. Ideally you’ll keep it in one of your hands but I understand that situations arise that may require both thumbs. May I suggest that when such a circumstance rears its head you put the thought in your pocket, but not before cutting a small hole in the fabric so that the thought can maintain contact with your body in some capacity, albeit limited. Because that’s important. For what is a held thought if not lovingly clutched to the holder’s bosom? Totally kidding. No need to maim your good jeans for this little nugget. Play with it. Toss it in the air while you whistle and walk down the street. Better yet, eat it. By the time it’s done its song and dance through the twenty eight feet of tubing you got in your engine there it’s likely to have taken on a deeper meaning. One a tad more sinister sure but then again I am asking you to do me a favor here. As long as I get it back and it’s not “my socks don’t match” we’re cool. Thanks.

Fantasy Ballfoot Rankings: The Top 100 / Rufus Doof

1. Druthers LeDruther - OC, Town City Scent

2. Stretch Hipple - OC, Milfberg Sawdust
3. Cod Meh - OC, Tricksville Manthers
4. Het Setra - HG, Town City Scent
5. Glorthy Pseudolord - OC, Hattiesburg Flip-Flops
6. Aqua Vulva - OC, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
7. Jerboe Jeans - HG, Peppeppolis Pep
8. Opposite Dave Same - HG, Kill Hill Do Nothings
9. Arlo V. Foof - OC, General Area Bystanders
10. Rough Sketch Wrang-Wrang - OC, Someplace Randoms
11. Rim Rones - DD, Biff Town Diggger Takers
12. Eeeen Flub - DD, Sleeziana Belindas
13. Palter Wayton - OC, Landtown Used Furniture
14. &mpersand Jones - DD, New General Area Onlookers
15. Whip Charna - DD, Toot Haven Humdingers
16. Dos-Deuce Doubler II - HG, Someplace Randoms
17. BaBa Sippycup - OC, Purina Heartworm Meds
18. Mark Question - HG, Lake Bay Liquids
19. Q. Q. Piss - HG, Tricksville Manthers
20. Cankle Backfat - DD, Lake Bay Liquids
21. Captain Leadermouth - DD, Kill Hill Do Nothings
22. Indian Guy - TG, General Area Bystanders
23. Tryglicerin Meps - OC, IndeTech Cubicals
24. X’ify Something - OC, Peppeppolis Pep
25. Maker Breaker- OC, Kill Hill Do Nothings
26. Phonetic $ - HG, New General Area Onlookers
27. Johnny Orb - HG, Toot Haven Humdingers
28. Dr. Backwards Somersault - DD, Peppeppolis Pep
29. Maybe Thursday - HG, Milfberg Sawdust
30. Craph Carafeph - DD, IndeTech Cubicals
31. DinDin Dangle - OC, Lake Bay Liquids
32. Lubeneena Testes - OC, Toot Haven Humdingers
33. Flip Turnbuckle - TG, IndeTech Cubicals
34. Kank Titlecock - TG, Toot Haven Humdingers
35. Erb Almighty - OC, New General Area Onlookers
36. Tappy RipNip - DD, Purina Heartworm Meds
37. Eleven 8ty - DD, Landtown Used Furniture
38. Vingker Condor - DD, Someplace Randoms
39. Hose Kink - DD, General Area Bystanders
40. Manlinda Scooner - HG, Biff Town Diggger Takers
41. Splish Dandy - HG, Purina Heartworm Meds
42. Fartunian Harmel - TG, Someplace Randoms
43. Lop Lop Suey - OC, Sleeziana Belindas
44. Nishiss Loo - HG, General Area Bystanders
45. Yal Noof - TG, Tricksville Manthers
46. Nog Phirl - TG, Hattiesburg Flip-Flops
47. Julio Whackass - DD, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
48. Crap Royale - DD, Hattiesburg Flip-Flops
49. Coin Slotty - DD, Tricksville Manthers
50. Finkle McMasters - DD, Milfberg Sawdust
51. Toot Haven Humdingers - EF
52. Gooey Ducks - DD, Town City Scent
53. Someplace Randoms - EF
54. Balance Tulner - TG, Kill Hill Do Nothings
55. Gnash Wrangle - TG, Town City Scent
56. Marsupial Waves - OC, Biff Town Diggger Takers
57. Trap Gnasher - TG, New General Area Onlookers
58. Mustash Musthave - HG, Hattiesburg Flip-Flops
59. Clavical Clark - HG, Landtown Used Furniture
60. Masapeth Chuggins - HG, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
61. General Area Bystanders - EF
62. Olin Bowels - TG, Sleeziana Belindas
63. Ripe Nooble - T, Sleeziana Belindas
64. Orny Whereabouts - HG, IndeTech Cubicals
65. Shakes Sumptin - HG, Sleeziana Belindas
66. Zebit Tenteen - T, Kill Hill Do Nothings
67. Purina Heartworm Meds - EF
68. Peppeppolis Pep - EF
69. Trudge Karlmerg - T, Town City Scent
70. Krinkle Paulson - TG, Purina Heartworm Meds
71. Lefty Tripfoot - TG, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
72. Manimal Feerce - TG, Landtown Used Furniture
73. Whoopsie Johnson - T, Someplace Randoms
74. Ziggle Daftoe - OC, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
75. Almost Williams - OC, Town City Scent
76. Inkwell Mooshee - OC, Peppeppolis Pep
77. Waft Sin - T, New General Area Onlookers
78. Mimothy Sellofane - OC, General Area Bystanders
79. Kill Hill Do Nothings - EF
80. Lake Bay Liquids - EF
81. Missleback Woosh - DD, Toot Haven Humdingers
82. Jonald Plish - TG, Milfberg Sawdust
83. Nerl Flombay - TG, Peppeppolis Pep
84. Peasy Tantrum - OC, Toot Haven Humdingers
85. Zoney McPhoney - OC, Hattiesburg Flip-Flops
86. Pipple Nefters - TG, Biff Town Diggger Takers
87. Shanty Lovelian - TG, Lake Bay Liquids
88. Lundy McBourbon - T, Biff Town Diggger Takers
89. Termuffin X - T, IndeTech Cubicals
90. Thermos Maxwell - T, Hemena Hemena Outbursts
91. Webble Pushpin - T, Lake Bay Liquids
92. Tibble Fonzworthy - T, Milfberg Sawdust
93. Brakus Nutcup - T, Purina Heartworm Meds
94. J. P. Pekensmythe - T, Peppeppolis Pep
95. Sleeziana Belindas - EF
96. Town City Scent - EF
97. Tricksville Manthers - EF
98. Hattiesburg Flip-Flops - EF
99. Tin Coppers - T, Toot Haven Humdingers
100. Loafer Jointpain - T, General Area Bystanders

HG = Hut Guy
OC = Oomph Chug
DD = Darter Dasher
TG = Taut Gnoff
T = Thresher

EF = Effervescence

Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: Jail / Chantel Chromodom

Two college roommates stand at the kitchen counter of their apartment. It’s late on a week night. Their other roommates have already gone to bed but these two are wide awake. They are not drunk or high or otherwise under the influence.

Mike: What time is it?

Rich: Two something.

M: So now what?

R: [with more than a hint of frustration] I don’t know man.

M: Watch a movie?

R: No. No. No.

M: Why not?

R: We just did that. We need to be doing something. Something different than this.

M: What then?

R: I’m not sure, but it should be sweet.

M: Right.

R: I’ll tell you what I’d like to do.

M: What’s that?

R: I’d like to go to jail.

M: What? Why?

R: Because that’s the easiest way to get things done and figure things out.

M: What do you mean?

R: It’s like this. Here we are right here, right?

M: Sitting in this apartment.

R: Correct.

M: Looking for something to do.

R: Yes. Searching for an idea.

M: But we got nothing.

R: That’s the thing. We don’t have nothing. We have too many things. Too many options.

M: OK.

R: I mean we could watch a movie. We could still hit up last call and grab a drink somewhere. There’s probably some studying that we should be doing. You could call Jamie what’s her face. I could go into my room and rub one out. It goes on and on.

M: Right. So let’s do something!

R: But none of those things are what we should be doing. We should be figuring life out. Philosophying. Documenting our thoughts and ideas on paper, man! Getting to the bottom of all the bullshit. But we sit here.

M: Like idiots.

R: Yes!!! Like a couple of idiots.

M: So how does jail come into play exactly?

R: In jail it’s all laid out for you. It’s all right there. A bare room, a modest bed, and crapper, and your thoughts. That’s what we need.

M: Then you’ll be able to figure it all out?

R: Yes. Here there are too many options. Too much responsibility. In jail you get the solitary factor going for you so you can easily focus. Like a laser beam. High potential for real productivity.

M: OK. But you’re in jail though.

R: Exactly. It would be perfect.

M: But how would you get in jail?

R: I don’t know. Some petty crime or something.

M: It would have to be serious enough to get you thrown into jail though. It couldn’t be shoplifting or anything like that.

R: Maybe I rob a bank, or I beat a guy up pretty bad or something.

M: Who would you beat up?

R: I don’t know. Paul maybe?

M: Paul Withers?

R: Sure. Why not? That guy is kind a prick. Could use a good ass kicking.

M: So you kick the shit out of Paul Withers, get charged with assault and battery or something, get convicted, get thrown into jail, and then figure out the secret to life.

R: Pretty much, yeah. That's the idea. I’m not necessarily saying I’ll figure out the secret to life or anything. I’m just saying that jail would be the perfect environment for that. Jail is the place to really get stuff done. It would be so much easier.

M: Right. Too many restrictions here in the real world.

R: Yes! Exactly. Now you get it. It’s like we’re in some sort of prison here or something.

M: Uh huh.

R: And I want the freedom that jail provides.

M: [dumbfounded / speechless]

R: Until I get thrown into jail, I’m fucked. It’s all pointless.

M: So. . . You want to go track down Paul Withers?

R: Not tonight. It's too late. Maybe tomorrow.

M: Big Lebowski then?

R: Sure.