911 @ 2347 / Hector Smithereen

911 what is your emergency?

I've. . . I've taken a bad spill. I need an ambulance.

Where are you sir?

Send them to 2347 Lake Street.

We'll send someone right away. Can you describe your injuries?

My legs are broken. My. . . My. . .

It's OK sir. Can you tell me how you fell?

I was in the basement. I needed to go downstairs to use the phone.

So you fell down the stairs on your way to the basement to make a phone call?

No. No. I was already in the basement.

So you tripped going up the stairs?

No. Down.

I'm sorry sir. Just trying to understand. So there's a level lower than your basement?

Ahhhh!!! Oh God it hurts! Are they on their way?

Sure sure sure. First I just need you to help me understand where you are in the house. You said you were in your basement and fell downstairs, right?

(unintelligible)

Is is like a secret chamber or something?

Wha- What?

Below your basement. Is it like a hidden -

I think I'm going to pass out?

Stay with me sir. It's all going to be OK but I need you to hang on. Try taking a deep breath. . . Are you there?

(barely audible) Yeah.

Now there's some more information I'm going to need to gather. This secret vault or chamber or whathaveyou - you said you were on your way down there to use the phone?

Right.

So you must've just landed right next to it after you fell then. I mean you're obviously near a phone now.

I'm calling you. . . from a phonyphone.

I'm sorry what?

A phonyphone. It's a phone that can only call other phones.

I don't understand.

Arrgghh!!! Dear God the pain! I'm really fucked here. My legs are pointing ways that nature never intended.

I'm sure you'll be fine. So you have a phone that calls other phones. How is that different than any other phone?

No. It's different. It's not its own line or anything. It just hijacks the fiber optic signals of other phones.

So can it receive calls?

(in obvious agony) Only local calls and only if the digitized current is successfully intercepted.

(long pause). . . Well I don't get it.

How far away is that ambulance?

So you've got your crazy underground lair with your high tech phonyphone there. I gotta hand it to you - sounds like things are working out pretty sweet for you.

Oh Christ! I see marrow!!

Shit. That's right. Your ambulance. You said 4327 Lake Street, right?

Huh? No! 2347 Lake.

You got it. The paramedics have been dispatched.

Just now? We've been on the phone for-

Sorry about that. That was my bad. Got a little carried away with your basement situation. So I assume once the paramedics have entered the residence they should head down to your dungeon deal thingy, right? Any crazy fake books to pull on or any levers to activate or anything?

Listen to me. I'm not actually at 2347 Lake Street.

Umm. OK.

I'm not there but that's where I need the ambulance to go because that's the nearest access point.

Access point to what?

To where my mangled body currently resides. . . When they get there they'll see a tube.

A tube?

Yes. The tube will lead them to me.

Will they be able to fit through this tube?

The whole ambulance will fit.

And how long is this tube?

No more than a few tenths of a second.

No sir. I mean how long is it in distance. Like how many feet.

You don't understand. The tube can only be measured in time.

. . . . I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

Fuck it.

Don't hang up sir. Help is on the way.

(unintelligible. . . fumbling with phonyphone)

[LOUD SOUND OF FEEDBACK]

What was that!? Sir are you OK?

Just had to adjust the coordinates.

I've just gotten word from the paramedics. They're not seeing anything resembling a tube at 2347 Lake Street.

Look under your desk.

Wow! Well I'll be. Isn't that something. Your legs really are fucked.