Striking distance / Dungeon

It's late at night and the bad guy is on the run.  He streaks down the ocean side road in a Ford Mustang, tires screeching at every adjustment of the steering wheel.  Dust flies up along the dirt road then settles again.  There doesn't see to be anyone following.  He and his trunk full of stolen money is good as home free.

But wait.  It's our hero and his attractive partner.  They're on the chase!  The bad guy checks the rear view mirror and doesn't see them at first.  He thinks the coast is clear.  Quite the contrary.  Bouncing along that very coast is our hero in his government issued speed boat.

"Damn" says the bad guy.  It's that meddling Coast Guard Officer again.  He thought he left him and his attractive partner tied up in that burning house boat.  This guy just won't give up.  The bad guy steps on the gas.  He'll just have to outrun him.

Our hero realizes that the bad guy's out of his jurisdiction - being on land - but that doesn't change the fact that he has a score to settle.  That beautiful woman standing next to our hero has been done wrong.  The bad guy has to pay.  The bad guy will pay.

He pulls out a megaphone.  "Pull over!"  No response.  "This is the United States Coast Guard.  Pull over!"  The bad guy refuses to heed our hero's warning.  What threat is a boat to a car?

Our hero pulls out a revolver, fires at the speeding car, and misses wildly due to the choppy water.  He fires again.  Again.  Yet again.  His final shot shatters the bad guy's rear window but the car speeds on, fast approaching state lines and assured freedom.  His pursuer is out of bullets and seemingly out of options.

Our hero takes a moment to glance at the beautiful woman standing next to him.  They've been through a lot together.  They were not expecting to find each other.  They've recently had sex.

"Stop him!" she cries.

Our hero has an idea.  He pulls the flare gun from the boat's glove compartment.  There is only one flare.  He will have to make this count.  He carefully aims.  He fires.  The flare flies high into the air before falling through the broken window into the back seat of the bad guy' car.  The bad guy looks back.  The car explodes for some reason.

Alternatives to the letter F / Lariat

Ph

V

a click of the tongue and a clap of the hand

7

Eff

*_<>_*

the very presence of Fanny Ferrenfeffer

a tennis ball

the V train

small smudge of clay

D-

Torture faux paux / Receptacle

Ramford: I'm going to ask you one more time. Where are the Blackstone files?

[A bruised and beaten agent Ludlow stares at Ramford, saying nothing.]

Ramford: Your courage, while noble, only delays the inevitable, agent Ludlow. I was wondering how you felt about needles. Long, thick, needles slowly shoved into the back of your knees.

[Ludlow spits blood on the floor.]

Ramford: Defiant until the end. Respectable, but again, pointless.

[Ludlow screams as long, thick needles are slowly shoved into the back of his knees.]

Ramford: [whispering] That's it. That's it. Where are the Blackstone files? Where are they?

Ludlow: Try looking up your ass you sick bastard!

Ramford: I can see that simple foreplay isn't going to work with you. Perhaps it's time for the real fucking to begin.

[Ramford pulls off the blanket that was covering a nearby table, revealing a multitude of horrific torture options.]

Ramford: How would you like to be fucked, agent Ludlow? Electrified sponges? Bucket full of rabid leeches? Inversed pointy horn helmet? The organ reorganizer?

[Ludlow sneezes]

Ramford: Did you just sneeze?

Ludlow: Yes. I guess I did. Excuse me.

Ramford: Kind of weird.

Ludlow: How so?

Ramford: I guess I've just never heard anyone sneeze while being tortured is all.

Ludlow: I can't say I ever recall sneezing while being tortured now that you mention it.

[Ramford gives Ludlow a look of complete disdain]

Ludlow: What?

Ramford: It's just that I thought we really had something good going there, you know? I was really giving it to you as far as the torture is concerned -

Ludlow: Agreed. It really hurts.

Ramford: Exactly. Thanks for saying. And may I say you were doing a helluva job taking it, holding out for longer and longer as I continued to raise the stakes and subject you to more drastic and twisted methods of inflicting pain.

Ludlow: It's not easy. Believe me.

Ramford: Sneezing kind of cheapens the whole thing, don't you think?

[Ludlow farts]

Various personal bests (My P.B.s) / Polyp

Walking with eyes closed: 23.1 seconds ¹

Walking with eyes closed (uninjured): 12.4 seconds ²

Minesweeper: 34.8 seconds ³

Sidewalk cracks stepped on: 1,487,963 ⁴

Shots of Jagermeister: 7 ⁵

Hitting start then stop on a stopwatch: 0.02 seconds ⁶

Driving with my eyes closed: 8.7 seconds ⁷

Eating chicken wings: 49 1/2 ⁸

Long Jump: 7 feet, 11 inches ⁹

Phone bill: $1,876.00 ¹⁰

Sex: 46 minutes; 12.9 seconds ¹¹

Helicopter ride: 0 minutes; 0 seconds ¹²

Size of woman I slept with: 212 lbs ¹³

Crying: 3 hours; 47 minutes ¹⁴

Chopping grasshoppers in half using hedge clippers: 37 ¹⁵

Insult: "You should use some of the material from that stupid hat to sew yourself some sleeves." ¹⁶

Conception of a child: 1 ¹⁷

Hour: 56 minutes, 57 seconds ¹⁸

Movies watched back-to-back: 9 ¹⁹

Age: 11,359 days ²⁰
________________________________________________________
¹ January 15th, 2004: Long hallway on 17th floor on the way to the restroom
² January 15th, 2004: Long hallway on 17th floor on the way back to my desk
³ difficulty setting set to 'medium'
⁴ world record
⁵ October 7th, 1998
⁶ accomplished on 4 separate occasions
⁷ highway I-80 in between Loganton and Watsontown, PA
⁸ October 7th, 1998
⁹ 1989 Track & Filed day - blue ribbon winner
¹⁰ the people at Verizon are idiots
¹¹ October 7th, 1998
¹² have never ridden in helicopter
¹³ October 7th, 1998
¹⁴ October 8th, 1998
¹⁵ summer of 1986; grandmother's garden
¹⁶ told to Michael Peralt on December 17th, 2006 who was wearing a stupid court jester hat with a stylish sleeveless coat.
¹⁷ unofficial
¹⁸ broken clock
¹⁹ September 23rd - September 24th 1999: Mrs. Doubtfire, Grosse Pointe Blank, The Big Lebowski, Billy Madison, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Godfather Part II, Good Will Hunting, Jingle All the Way, Heat
²⁰ set today

The shovel of dirt situation (a children's story) / Thorax

Once there was a man with a shovel of dirt.
(picture of a well-dressed businessman flirting with his secretary)

[turn page]

He looked around and couldn't find a suitable place to put it.
(picture of the businessman smoking a cigarette in bed with his secretary laying beside him)

[turn page]

He tried to ditch it in his desk drawer at work but the cleaning lady found it and said she'd report it to HR is he didn't remove it immediately.
(picture of the cleaning lady witnessing a late night rendezvous between the businessman and the secretary in the businessman's office)

[turn page]

He wrapped it up and tried giving it as a birthday gift to his good friend Biff but Biff re-gifted it back to him on his birthday.
(picture of the businessman and the secretary secretly exchanging gifts on their respective birthdays)

[turn page]

He tried sneaking it onto his finished plate at his favorite restaurant but the bus boy found it and put it in a doggy bag for him to take back home.
(picture of the businessman and the secretary having dinner in a romantic restaurant with the businessman's neighbor sitting and watching at a nearby table)

[turn page]

He went to the pawn shop to try to sell it but all he could get for it was a slightly smaller shovel full of dirt.
(picture of businessman buying a gun at a pawn shop)

[turn page]

He tried to dump it in his neighbor's yard but his neighbor found it the next day and dumped it back.
(picture of businessman shooting his neighbor in his backyard)

[turn page]

He took it to the park and tried putting it on top of another pile of dirt but a park ranger saw him wrote him a ticket saying they had enough dirt.
(picture of the businessman burying his neighbor's body in a nearby park)

[turn page]

He tried eating it but it just came out the other end eight hours later.
(picture of businessman sitting on his neighbor's shallow grave, eating a sandwich)

[turn page]

He tried sneaking it into the offering plate at church but the preacher said that while he appreciated the generosity, he was going straight to hell.
(picture of businessman in a confessional booth)

[turn page]

Sick and tired of his shovel full of dirt, he climbed to the highest peak of the highest mountain. There was no one else around for hundreds of miles. If there was ever a place to safely dispose of a shovel full of dirt this was it. He cocked the shovel back and flung the dirt into the air yelling "Fuck you dirt!"
(picture of businessman standing on top of an office building)

[turn page]

Just then a violent breeze blew the dirt back into his face. It went into his eyes, hair, and mouth. He breathed it in and it entered his lungs, blood, and bones. Then the wind blew him off the mountain peak and hurled him, his shovel, and his dirt to the rocky terrain far below where they they'd spend the rest of eternity side by side, dirt by dirt.
(picture of businessman falling from office building, about to land on the secretary who happens to be standing directly below, hailing a cab)

THE END

zeroth life lesson: it's your dirt. you're stuck with it.