Exerpt from page 80,561 of the longest book ever written / Lars Bumperpool

He picked up the fork from the sink and noticed remnants of the prior night's eggplant parmesan. A tad of marina and bread crumbs clung to the void between the third and fourth prong. A simple second and a half rinse under the faucet would surely clear the utensil of the stubborn food but he'd recently adopted the principle of being adamant over not washing the dishes before washing the dishes and this was his first opportunity to exercise it. He would not give this fork the pleasure of being subjected to a sink rinse. Not today goddammit.

The fork represented one ninety-sixth of the dinnerware / tableware set they'd received as a wedding gift 7 years ago, a fourth of which consisted of various sized forks. What one couple needed with twenty-four forks he couldn't imagine. They kept twenty of them in the original box, packed somewhere downstairs, waiting to be unleashed in the event of some major entertaining or the birth of sextuplets, whichever came first. Whether or not four forks was truly enough for the two of them was a topic he'd considered bringing up on multiple occasions only to eventually dismiss it because A: there had to be something better to talk about at the time, right? and B: if she happened to agree that the four forks weren't enough he'd find himself in the precarious position of having to find the extra forks buried in the basement somewhere amidst and underneath boxes of empty CD cases and camping gear. That, quite simply, was out of the question. They'd have to make due with only four forks.

Spoons were an entirely different story. For some reason they kept eight spoons, four "big" ones and four "little" ones. A gun placed to the head couldn't guarantee a sound explanation to the purpose of one sized spoon versus the other but if he had to venture a guess he supposed the "big" spoons were meant for hearty soups and the "small" spoons were intended for desserts. At any rate, they used them interchangeably, paying no regard to spoon scoop size. As a result, they often found themselves in the situation of having to use spoons instead of forks - the previous night's eggplant parmesan episode being no exception. His wife used the last clean fork, the fork he currently held over the sink, and he used one of the "big" spoons. So, because either he or his wife (if only he could remember!) made the, at the time seemingly arbitrary, decision to keep only four forks in the primary silverware drawer and keep the rest under what might as well be twelve tons of boxes on a whole different floor of their home, they often ran out of clean forks and he had to display his chivalry time and time again by offering his wife use of the final clean fork and subject himself to eating numerous fork intended meals such as meat loaf, lasagna, salmon, taco salad, and eggplant parmesan with a fucking spoon.

With that he put the dirty, eggplant parm encrusted fork into the plastic bin on the bottom rack and slammed shut the dishwasher.

Full week / Beverly Heavenry

Most days I do just enough to get by. Get up, pick out some pants, go make a living, head home, eat some dinner, relax a bit, then some sleep. On ‘productive’ days I’m able to pepper in a couple bonus items. Maybe I pay some bills, do a load of laundry, or get a haircut. On the rare occasion I drink too much coffee on a rainy Saturday I might even find time to -

_______________________________

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Thoughts as I fall from the roof of a building after slipping on a banana peel / Midge Mayhem

Well, this is embarrassing.

I guess that's what I get for horsing around on the roof of a 120 floor building.

Although I gotta say the punishment of certain death seems a little extreme.

Wow! This is windier than I expected. Really quite annoying.

Slipping on a banana peel. What a way to go out!

It sure beats dying of cancer or getting stabbed in the gut after being robbed. I mean, at least I get the pleasure of pondering the irony. Both hilarious and tragic!

Who disposes of their banana peel on the roof of a 120 story building anyway?

Sure would like to have a strong word or two with that dick head.

People will probably think I committed suicide.

That's unfortunate. . .

On the other hand it may be preferable to the notion that I simply slipped.

I guess I need to decide if I want my family and friends to think I was really depressed or really stupid.

If there was only a way I could tell them that I slipped on a banana peel. . . I think they'd appreciate that.

I have piece of paper in my back pocket here. I wonder if I have a pen?

[checking coat pocket for pen]

If anyone is watching me fall right now they're probably asking themselves, "Is that guy reaching into his coat pocket looking for something?"

Ha! If only I had a pair of reading glasses I could put on or a cigarette I could try to light.

That would be classic!

I'd be a YouTube sensation. Go all viral and shit!

Well, no pen. Must have left it on my desk. Oh well. So much for that idea.

I wonder if my cheeks are doing that flappy thing?

Coming close to the ground here. I guess I should brace myself?

Hmm. Feet first or head first?

I'll go with head. No need to try to make this look prettier than it's going to be.

Should I yell something?

Maybe "Heads Up!" or "Coming through!"

I guess it should be something more poignant seeing as they'll be the last words I'll utter. . .

Perhaps, "Glory be to Jesus!" or "U.S.A. U.S.A.!"

No. I'm going to go with something that cements my legacy. Something more personal. A quick statement that, when relayed to my friends and family, will result in both the nodding of heads in a solemn fashion as well as faint smiles of respect and deep understanding.

"Tell everyone life is like a banan-"

!!!SPLAT!!!

The Initiation of the Termination (the beginning of the end) / Duke Roundhouse

Soundly overmatched, the terminator lies on a metal grate, face down, badly damaged, reaching for its sawed off shotgun. The technologically superior T-1000 calmly picks up a metal pole, drives it into the terminator’s back, and twists the pole back and forth in a manner one can only assume would wreak maximum possible damage. The terminator reaches back in a futile attempt to stop the attack, metal screeches, the pole passes through the terminator’s solar plexus thereby impaling it on the metal grate walk-way and little lightening bolts shoot amongst and across its leather clad body. The terminator ceases to struggle and goes limp, only inches away from the sawed-off shotgun. It’s exposed mechanical eye, once glowing red, slowly dims and turns off. The T-1000, having disposed of its opponent, leaves to complete its mission: locate and terminate John Conner.

Moments later the terminator’s eye once again begins to glow. The machine is not destroyed. . ____________________________

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Larry & Frank / Joan Hype

INT. DINER – MORNING

LARRY (48, unkempt, wearing an old, beat up coat with mismatched hat and scarf) enters, quickly scans the room, and takes a seat in an empty booth. He lifts the menu in front of his face, engrossed.

FRANK (33, handsome and confident, wearing designer winter attire that’s two sizes too big) enters. He stands just inside the door, scanning the room, referring to an unfolded piece of paper. After a moment he notices LARRY and the empty seat across from him. He approached the booth, removes his jacket, and has just begun to slide into the seat when the WAITRESS approaches.

LARRY: Chicken cacciatore and a bowl of clam chowder.

WAITRESS: And for you?

FRANK: (still shifting in his seat, getting comfortable) Coffee, black, and a blueberry muffin. Thanks.

WAITRESS: You got it.

[WAITRESS leaves]

FRANK: So. . . I obviously got your note. Mind telling me what I’m doing here?

___________________________________________________________

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Note you'll never find on the sidewalk / Judith Worbler

Diane-

We've been close for many years now - the bestest of friends. Through thick and thin we've found comfort in each other's words. That's something I'd never want to jeopardize yet at the same time I feel the time has come for me to lay it all on the line as they say. I'm hoping that today going forward we can start to find comfort in each other's arms.

The fact is, I'm in love with you. I have been ever since that night on the hovercraft. Do you remember?

I can only assume your first reaction is fear. Fear that now that this is out there things will never be the same between us. Fear that the next time we see each other you won't know how to react. Fear that you feel the same way. All I can say is that it's OK to be afraid. I'm afraid too. But behind that fear is hope. Hope that what the future holds for us is even greater than the past. Hope that my years of longing were not all for naught. Hope that you feel that same way. And that hope brings forth a feeling of excitement I cannot bare to contain. Excitement that our next meeting will only bring tears of joy. Excitement that the previous feelings of fear and hope were all worth it. Excitement that you might feel the same way.

If you feel the same way please place this note on or nearby some sewer grate near a highly trafficked sidewalk where it may get wet, torn, smudged, and stepped on. Leave it there so that someone might happen upon it, fish it out of the filth, read it, share it with friends and coworkers, mocking me over and over again.

That way I'll know you're mine forever.

Yours forever,

Neil

This is a test / Clifford Wasteland

On the afternoon of April 2, 2003 a mysterious document was found crumpled up in the trash bin in the large corner office on the east side of the unoccupied 18th floor of 1440 Broadway New York, NY. The office used to belong to Douglas Tanders, former Executive General Manager of ComaTech Industries, a now defunct infrastructure/data management firm. The document details an account of a secret infiltration of the ComaTech offices in which company issued beverages were tampered with and hidden cameras were installed to record the effects. It serves as one of the few pieces of evidence of an organization called the International Cursory Correlation Institute (ICCI).

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Eulogy template / Florence Flapper

What to say about INSERT NAME.

I could tell you that HE/SHE was a lover of music and movies. I could tell you INSERT NAME enjoyed traveling and spending time with family and friends. I could tell you HE/SHE took pride in HIS/HER job and was a well respected member of this community.

But we already know that.

What I think needs to be said, and what I think today is about, is how we're all better people today for having known INSERT NAME. Because let's face it, there were times when HE/SHE wasn't so easy to get along with. [pause for laugh] Whether it was being a sore loser at Monopoly, taking offense to wise cracks about HIS/HER latest haircut, or getting lost while driving, INSERT NAME did not suffer from a lack of passion. [pause for laugh] But I think we can all agree that it was that passion, that lust for life, that made INSERT NAME such a wonderful person in the first place.

Not to say HE/SHE didn't have a softer side. It may surprise some of you to hear that I had some deep conversations with INSERT NAME about things such as love, philosophy, and the meaning of life. I can honestly say those were some of the best conversations I ever had. For those of us closest to INSERT NAME that had the privilege of sharing these cherished moments I think you'll back me up when I say that while HIS/HER views on politics may be a little skewed [pause for laugh] HE/SHE sure did have a lot of love to share. Lucky for us there was plenty to go around.

And man was HE/SHE funny! I recall a particular weekend several years ago we spent together with some mutual friends. We were all looking forward to a couple days away from it all, soaking up the sun and partaking in a few beverages with umbrellas sticking out! [pause for laugh] Can I tell you that it rained the whole time! We were all stuck in this tiny room and it didn't take long before we all started getting on each others nerves. The whole weekend was at risk of being classified as a bonafide disaster but wouldn't you know it, INSERT NAME had the crazy idea of having a picnic in the rain! Soon enough there we all were, sitting on a wet blanket eating soggy sandwiches laughing our heads off! [pause for laugh] But that's the kind of person INSERT NAME was. Always looking at the bright side. Always seeing the light through the clouds.

So with that in mind I think it's important today to focus on how INSERT NAME lived, rather than how INSERT NAME died. Celebrate HIS/HER life rather than mourn HIS/HER death. I think we can all agree that's the way INSERT NAME would have wanted it. I can picture HIM/HER now looking down on us right now and yelling, "Why the long faces folks? And why are you all dressed up? Take off your ties and your high heels, slip into some jeans and let's go BOWLING/OUT TO EAT/TO THE BEACH [pause for laugh] Life is too short!"

Well I'm not one to deny a GUY/GIRL HIS/HER last request. [take off TIE/HIGH HEELS]

So thank you INSERT NAME. Thank you for reminding us all what it means to be a good friend, a wonderful MOTHER/FATHER/BROTHER/SISTER/SON/DAUGHTER, and a horrible driver. [pause for laugh]

Now let's go BOWLING/OUT TO EAT/TO THE BEACH!!

Per our conversation / Milo Something

Hi Rita-

Per our conversation, here is a email reconfirming the words we just exchanged a matter of seconds ago regarding my request for a report containing all 2008 data sorted by advertiser.

The words in this email convey no new information mind you, they simply reside in my "sent" folder to serve as evidence of the conversation we just had over the phone. The idea is that the very act of sending this note to you through cyberspace unwillingly enters you and I into an oral contract of sorts. The appearance of this message in your "inbox" is as good as your signature.

With that said, it's worth mentioning that I've taken great care in trying to eliminate any traces of what could be perceived as passive aggressive language on my part. For example, you see how I started with the word "Hi"? Previous versions did not include that word. I like to think that the simple addition of "Hi" conveys an aire of folksy banter that effectively masks any intention I have of getting you in trouble. Note that I didn't include my title in my signature. That was also intentional. I tend to think that signing off simply as "Chris" rather than "Christopher Paulson - Regional Sales Director" keeps things on the lighter side and reduces the chances of you correctly interpreting this email for what it truly is - an ingenious covert gesture to get the information I want in a timely manner due to the fear that I could later use this message against you as documented proof of our brief conversation we had regarding the aforementioned report request.

Thanks in advance! (the explanation point makes it seems like we're friends, doesn't it?)

Chris

Terrible book report on "The Great Gatsby" based on perusing Cliffs Notes for 5 minutes / Wendell Bubbler

"Great Gatsby" is a book unequaled in its various themes, symbols, and motifs. Of course before these can be effectively analyzed it's important to convey some basic aspects of the main characters. Nick's character is very important because he provides the reader's view into the story itself. He's the most identifiable of the main characters and is the most likable. And if there's one thing we've learned about classic tales such as "Great Gatsby" it's that likable characters are key. The other primary character is Gatsby. He's very rich and throws lavish parties but at the same time remains quite mysterious. This mystery is a key part to the rest of the story. There's also a woman named Daisy who plays a crucial role.

One main motif of the book is parties. Much of the action takes place at decadent parties where are schemes are hatched and scandals are carried out. These parties also serve as symbols of the upper class because the people wear nice clothes and eat expensive food which obviously cost a lot of money. One could even say the the extravagance of the parties provides an ironic foreshadowing of the death Gatsby and Daisy. The foreshadowing is also a central theme of the story as it pops up in more than one occasion. For example, there's the green light at the beginning of the story that foreshadows the green light at the end.

In conclusion, I think it's the greed of the main characters of the book that ultimately lead to their demise. And while "Great Gatsby" took place in a time much different than today, I think there are still lessons to be learned regarding wealth not necessarily leading to happiness, and the kindness and wonder of strangers.

A definite must read.

The red wall syndrome / Craig Slist

SENSITIVE DOCUMENT!

DO NOT COPY!!

VIOLATORS PROSECUTED BY ICCI UNDER PARAGRAPH 3 SECTION 7C OF NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT!!!

From the desk of the International Cursory Correlation Institute (ICCI)

case #A572D84:

aug/23/2009 walls on 15th fl of netherman industries painted red for purposes of serving as ICCI event investigation catalyst #A572D84.

the following findings reported by case worker charles grigsby (employee ID 6701) who posed as a temp assigned administrative office work (i.e. filing, copying, organizing supply closet) for the 5 business days following event investigation catalyst.

reported findings as follows -

stephen doiter called in sick for 3 consecutive days / carla bamford did not complain about the temperature for the first time in 36 days / michael fill started recycling his paper despite prior public announcements regarding his refusal to do so / dina caruthers decided not to wash her hands after using the restroom and proceeded to eat a cajun turkey sandwich she brought from home with a tiny smudge of excrement on her right pinky finger / douglas heilman set a personal best time in mine sweeper (difficulty setting medium) / mitchell delineo had what he referred to as a 'major breakthrough' in his pitch to the lexus account / matthew danling and marie stafford were caught in the narrow hallway by the large conference room trying to pass each other and they both said excuse me at the same time as matthew went to the right and marie to the left and they nearly collided and then marie went left and matthew went right and they both stood their doing their awkward little dance for a full 45 seconds before marie finally decided to take a different route to the lunch room / francene tramond has a spontaneous orgasm while walking by the copying machine.

-end of reported findings.

case worker charles grigsby (employee ID 6701) submitted form 410 at the completion of the assignment and noted the red paint's dark tone - more of a maroon / bergundy / crimson. Recommendation of an alternate, lighter hue - coral / magenta /vermillion was proposed for a future assignment.

ICCI agrees with case worker 6701's assessment.

case has been forwarded to the executive board of review for possible reassignment / redeployment.

status = pending.

END-

Thinkvoice vs. Smellslunch / Betty Glory

Saul Thinkvoice walks into the elevator. “Walking into elevator”, he declares. A minute later he’s walking down the hallway to his office. “Gonna turn on my computer and check my email in a minute or so”, he states to no one in particular. Sitting at his desk Saul yells, “turning on computer!”

Remy Smellslunch marches straight to Saul's desk. "A little early for chicken wings, isn't it?" he asks.

"I have no chicken wings. I wish this guy would quit asking me for food I do not have."

"No chicken wings you say? I could've sworn I caught a whiff of vinegary bbq goodness coming from this direction. Sloppy Joes perhaps?"

"I need to remember to schedule a fake conference call every morning at 9:00 sharp so I can close my door and keep this whack job out of my office."

"Ha! Good one pal. Listen, you wanna swing by Jocelyn's cube and get in on that brownie action? Smells like they're right out of the oven!"

"Perhaps if I humor this clown and walk with him to Jocelyn's desk he'll leave me alone for the rest of the day."

Saul stands and makes his way past Remy who is standing in the doorway to his office but not before accidentally brushing his left hand across Remy's crotch. "Whoops, accidentally touched Remy's dick. Hope he doesn't think I'm some kind of fag or something" Saul yells. A few moments later Saul and Remy are standing at Jocelyn NoBra's desk.

"Where you hiding 'em Jocelyn?" asks Remy Smellslunch.

"Hiding what?" replies Jocelyn as she swings her swivel chair around to address her visitors, causing her unharnessed breasts to swing ever so briefly as well.

"She probably thinks you're talking about her tits" thinks/says Saul.

"Brownies. I definitely smell brownies. You bake them yourself?"

"Does it look like I got brownies or any other goodies hidden from you guys?"

Saul blurts out "Try not to look down her shirt! Refrain from peeking down her shirt you pervert! I wonder if she knows that I think she's talking about her boobs when she says 'hidden goodies'? I can't believe she's dating that douchebag Danny Douchebag. God the things I would do to her if I ever -"

"Popcorn!" exclaims Remy, inadvertently breaking the tension and allowing all three to return to their day.

Plight of the angler fish / Melvin Karnage

What a gyp.

Talk about your shitty lot in life. I'm a goaddamned angler fish. You ever seen one of those? Big 'ole toothy pie hole with a fucking appendage shooting out of my forehead like a goddamned freak flag pole. If that's not bad enough the good Lord saw it fit to attach a grotesque little luminous nub at the end to help me find disgusting shit to eat. It just hangs there, glowing, like some godforsaken christmas dingle berry. Always there just at the top of my line of site, lighting the way through my pathetic path.

The one thing that might help keep my mind off things would be some like-minded friends. Misery loves company as they say. Someone to swap sad stories with and such. You think I'd be so lucky? Not in your life mister. You know how many other fish I've seen in my life? Four. My mother, a gulper eel, and two blob fish. Five if you include the sea sponge. I usually don't. Not exactly a stellar line up.

Add to that the fact that I've never seen this sky you speak of. Oh sure I could swim on up and take a gander but my internal organs are a gelatinous mass with a density less than water such that the dramatic change of pressure would cause my body to swell and explode long before I ever made it to the surface. So I got that going for me.

I often imagine that I lost out on some living creature lottery of the grandest scale. That God had this long lost of of all the beings and one day decided what kind of animal each would be. When He picked Bob Kranz He said "Salamander" and just like that Bob was a salamander. Not bad Bob. Salamanders are some pretty slick creatures. When He picked Sally Martin He said "Flamingo" and just like that Sally was a flamingo. Kudos Sally, you could do a lot worse. When He came to your name he said "Human" and here you are today.

Lucky motherfucker.

You hit the jack pot and didn't even know it, did you? So go ahead and bitch about your cell phone bills, your rainy weekends, and your conference calls. I'll be down here in the dark, waiting for some sort of worm thing to try to nibble on my phosphorescent forehead.

Good times.

50 tweets from a new zoo keeper of a financially strapped and mismanaged zoo / Marcel Marbles

------You can follow me @richzeroth------

tip for prospective zoo keepers: warthogs hate oranges. Man, do they hate oranges. How I wish I could unsee what I just saw.

about 14 hours ago from web

emu farm has been hemoraging $$ since May '02, about the same time Hildegard, the truffle oil-infused risotto eating emu, arrived @ our zoo.

8:03 AM Jun 9th from web

Nipsey update: Still stuck with him. Made himself at home in my now flooded basement. Nearly out of his anal ointment. Try selling to Bronx?

4:38 PM Jun 8th from web

trying to sneak nipsey back into rival zoo. scaling chain link fence proving problematic. wish walrus would help dig.

10:07 PM Jun 4th from web

rival zoo owner dropped off blue gym bag as instructed but instead of $5K it contained a thank you note & nipsey's anal cream. Damn!

12:57 PM Jun 4th from web

Nipsey the walrus is a nightmare. last night he broke my tub, ate my toaster, & insulted my wife. noon cannot come soon enough.

7:53 AM Jun 4th from web

"We have nipsey. He's unharmed but scared. $5,000 in unmarked nonconsecutive 20s. Blue gym bag. Under cheetah sign. Noon tomorrow. No cops."

9:26 PM Jun 3rd from web

have successfully infiltrated the zoo across the street and kidnapped the nipsey russell walrus. he was a fighter. ransom note pending.

9:09 PM Jun 3rd from web

the spies have returned. they claim the walrus across the street looks more like Nipsey Russell. We are royally F&%$ED!

8:00 AM Jun 3rd from web

rival zoo opening across the street. rumor is they have a walrus that looks like Tom Selleck. spies are en route.

7:30 AM Jun 3rd from web

the porcupines are totally tweaking out for some reason. f'ing quills all over the place.

6:03 PM May 30th from web

yet another unmarketable animal birth abnormality. We now have a wild boar with two spleens.

7:16 AM May 29th from web

the wildebeest got into some funky mushrooms & are tweaking out in front of a 3rd grade field trip. I've never seen kids so excited.

2:45 PM May 26th from web

our head groundskeeper has a marijuana crop in the back corner of the jackal exhibit. explains why I'd always thought they were hyenas.

11:34 AM May 21st from web

looking at this balance sheet & thinking it needs more walrus and less peacock if you know what I mean (you probably don't).

7:51 AM May 15th from web

mountain goat just ate my blackberry. i guess that's what I get for wearing it on my belt like some gaylord.

3:15 PM May 12th from web

some jerk off took my parking spot today so I had to park way out in the north lot near the emu farm. Always gives me the willies.

10:32 AM May 12th from web

Beavers & ducks, beavers & ducks, all damn day long, beavers & ducks. Almost finished setting up the North Woods Animals exhibit.

5:00 PM May 9th from web

damn teenagers keep stealing the "ass" sign in front of the donkey pen. $48 a pop.

4:39 PM May 7th from web

the pelicans are absolutely losing thier shit. no idea what thier problem is. my guess is they don't like my hat. oh well.

7:49 PM May 5th from web

he's currently futzing with these tubes, looking totally confused. Classic!

7:19 PM May 4th from web

totally got the new security guard believing he needs to change the water in the shark tank every night.

7:18 PM May 4th from web

ordered 3 dozen "pardon our appearance renovation in progress" signs 2 post around zoo. no plans 2 renovate but may help minimize complaints

9:50 AM May 4th from web

first friday of every month we groom the yaks. they are matted and old and tired and ornery and I'm in for a long day.

10:09 AM May 1st from web

the truth is out. The bengal tigers are not hiding in their caves or sleeping behind the trees. The pen is empty. We own no bengal tigers.

9:05 PM Apr 30th from web

need a cheap banana substitute asap! My primate supplement supplier just jacked up the price on yellow #5 (he thinks I slept w/ his wife).

12:17 PM Apr 30th from web

today's the day! The queen millepede's eggs are about to hatch! Trying to get the newswires to pick up on it - not expecting a big turnout.

8:10 AM Apr 29th from web

berating my walrus trainer. They can't do shit.

2:33 PM Apr 28th from web

baby starfish for sale. $20 for the whole bucket. They are capable of both sexual and asexual reproduction so consider yourself warned.

5:41 PM Apr 27th from web

looking at estimated financial reports for the sloth exhibit all day is a lot like looking at the sloth exhibit all day.

5:19 PM Apr 24th from web

crunching peacock data in excel all day sure can take the shimmer out of their plumage.

8:43 PM Apr 23rd from web

considering selling all my owls. do not need their attitude.

10:24 PM Apr 22nd from web

dropped my roast beef sub into the piranha tank. I'm still hungry but it was totally worth it.

5:48 PM Apr 22nd from web

"animal defecation removal" has too many characters to fit in the P&L. Replacing with "fauna fecal exile". Brilliant!!

12:21 PM Apr 22nd from web

Umm. $400 a month for bird seed? I think my Todd "birds of prey" Clemens may be cooking the books to support his meth addiction.

3:06 PM Apr 20th from web

today's the day I try to mend fences between my chief coyote handler and my associate director of roadrunner habitat/behavior. Wish me luck!

9:34 AM Apr 20th from web

finally figured out how the large mammal exhibit somehow remains profitable - stoned teenagers flock to see the rhino's perma boner.

10:58 AM Apr 19th from web

just moonwalked in front of the ostrich cage - totally freaked them out. They are molting like nobody's business.

12:53 PM Apr 18th from web

daughter's birthday coming up. unfortunately I have no pony connections but I do have a surplus of water moccasins. . .

5:51 PM Apr 11th from web

new falcons just arrived! big bastards! little helmets included but unfortunately no handling gloves. staying in the crate for now.

3:24 PM Apr 10th from web

hand an extended and uncomfortable period of eye contact with our golden tamarin. He definitely knows something I don't know. . .

5:01 PM Apr 9th from web

calling it a night. turning off the lights in the safari center and turning on the lights in nocturnal hall.

9:00 PM Apr 8th from web

dolphin feedings @ 2 & 4 will no longer incorporate any actual feeding in an attempt to lower sardine expenditures - just lots of flipping!

12:01 PM Apr 8th from web

tax time 2nite! my accountant says I can write off the deaf hyena, the three-legged llama & the chicken billed platypus. Heyoo!! Who knew?

8:11 PM Apr 7th from web

killed two birds with one stone while rearranging the Tropics exhibit. Literally. One egret and one tucan.

5:22 PM Apr 7th from web

turns out I'm the proud owner of the third shortest giraffe in the world!! 8 feet 7 inches.

1:33 PM Apr 7th from web

another day, another dead python.

9:32 AM Apr 7th from web

Our falconer just put in his two weeks. Didn't even know I had a falconer. Do I need one? We shall see.

8:19 PM Apr 6th from web

just learned that the howler monkeys r way behind on their vaccinations. Looking 4 a cheap monkey dr willing to work on the DL. Suggestions?

4:33 PM Apr 6th from web

Just got my first look at the balance sheet for the reptile center. Absolute shit show.

1:25 PM Apr 6th from web