Face time / Martha Plimpton

Question: Who has seen* my face the most? Me, my mom, or my wife?

*Pictures / photographs do not count. Must be live viewing of actual face or reflection of face e.g. mirror.

____________________________________________

Analysis:

Me:

1. Bathroom mirror time

a. standard bathroom breaks

average of 7 seconds per bathroom trip (average of 5 trips per day) = 35 seconds per day.

11,898 days (current age) - 2,555 days (first 7 years of life where I really didn't look in the mirror after using the restroom) = 9,343 days X 35 seconds per day = 327,005 seconds I've seen my own face in the mirror after using the restroom.

b. morning preparation & tooth brushing

(hair styling)

current average time each morning styling hair = 16 seconds X 5.5 days per week (each week day 25% of weekend days (I often wear hats on weekends)) X 49 weeks per year (big fan of hats on vacations) X 9.5 years of my professional working career = 40,964 seconds.

average time each morning styling hair prior to my professional working career = 35 seconds per day (went through a crazy gel and mousse stage) X 5.75 days per week (was not quite as big a fan of hats) X 52 weeks per year (no vacations) X 15 years (from age 9 to 23) = 156,975 seconds.

40,964 + 156,975 = 197,939 seconds seeing my own face while styling hair.

(tooth brushing (morning))

average of 120 seconds per tooth brushing session X 19% of brushing time actually looking in the mirror (I like to wander around while brushing) X 6.7 days per week (I've been known to skip a morning now and then) X 52 weeks per year X 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) = 238,306 seconds.

(tooth brushing (evening))

average of 120 seconds per tooth brushing session X 28% of brushing time actually looking in the mirror (I tend to look in the mirror more at night) X 5.7 days per week (I've been known to skip an evening now and then) X 52 weeks per year X 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) = 298,771 seconds.

197,939 seconds styling hair + 238,306 seconds brushing teeth (morning) +298,771 seconds brushing teeth (evening) = 735,016 seconds I've seen my face in the mirror during morning prep and brush time.

c. general preening

pre-puberty; average of 10 seconds per day X 4,745 days (first 13 years of life) = 47,450 seconds.

puberty to marriage; average of 240 seconds per day X 5,840 days (age 13 to age 29 (age I got married)) = 1,401,600 seconds.

post marriage; average of 27 seconds per day X 1,384 (days I've been married) = 37,368 seconds.

47,450 seconds (before age of 13) + 1,401,600 seconds (between ages of 13 and 7/21/2006 (marriage date)) + 37,368 seconds (marriage date to 5/05/2010)= 1,486,418 seconds I've seen my face in the mirror during general preening.

2. Other reflection sightings (besides bathroom mirrors)

average of 0.87 seconds per day seeing own reflection in store/building windows, lakes, large puddles, rear view mirrors, and turned off TV screens X 11,898 days (current age) = 10,351 seconds I've seen my face in other reflections.

327,005 seconds of mirror time after using the restroom

+

735,016 seconds mirror time during morning prep and teeth brushing

+

1,486,418 seconds of mirror time during general preening

+

10,351 seconds seeing reflection in non-bathroom mirror surfaces

=

2,558,790 = 42,647 minutes = 710.8 hours = 29.62 days I have seen my own face.

____________________________________________

My Mother:

1. Prior to kindergarten

a. First three months of my life

average of 4 hours (14,400 seconds) per day looking at my face X 90 days = 1,296,000 seconds.

b. Months 4 - 12 (the rest of year 1)

average of 1.5 hours (5,400 seconds) per day looking at my face X 275 days = 1,485,000 seconds.

c. Ages 1 -5

average of 45 minutes (2,700 seconds) per day looking at my face X 1,460 days (4 years) = 3,942,000 seconds.

1,296,000 seconds during the first three months + 1,485,000 seconds during months 4 - 12 of year one + 3,942,000 seconds during ages 1 - 5 = 6,723,000 seconds my mother saw my face prior to kindergarten.

2. Kindergarten through High School

average of 11 minutes (660 seconds) per day looking at my face X 5,110 days (14 years) = 3,372,600 seconds my mother saw my face from kindergarten through high school.

3. College years

a. during school

average of 5 minutes per month (300 seconds) looking at my face X 40.5 months (9 months of school per year for 4.5 years of college) = 12,150 seconds.

b. during holiday breaks

average of 6 minutes per day (360 seconds) looking at my face X 63 days (14 days of holiday breaks (7 for X-mas + 4 for Thanksgiving + 3 for homecoming) X 4.5 years of college))= 22,680 seconds.

c. during summers spent at home

average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) looking at my face X 180 days (2 summers spent at home = 90 days (3 months) X 2) = 43,200 seconds.

12,150 seconds (during school) + 22,680 seconds (during school visits) + 43,200 seconds (during holiday breaks when back home) = 78,030 seconds my mother saw my face during my college years.

4. Post college

a. visits to New York by Mom

average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X 8 days per year (2 visits per year averaging 4 days each) X 9.5 years = 68,400 seconds.

b. visits to Mom during the holidays

average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X 6.5 days per year (2 visits per year averaging 3.25 days each) X 9.5 years = 55,575 seconds.

68,400 seconds (New York visits) + 55,575 seconds (trips back home) = 123,975 seconds my mother saw my face since moving to New York after college.

6,723,000 seconds looking at my face prior to kindergarten

+

3,372,600 seconds looking at my face from kindergarten through high school

+

78,030 seconds looking at my face during college years

+

123,975 seconds looking at my face since moving to New York

=

10,297,605 seconds = 171,627 minutes = 2,860 hours = 119.2 days my mom has seen my face.

____________________________________________

My Wife:

1. The courting phase

a. week days

-conversation

average of 27.5 minutes per week (1,650 seconds (10 minutes per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night))) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 211,200 seconds.

-staring/admiring

average of 2 minutes per week (120 seconds (43.6 seconds per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night))) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 15,360 seconds.

-random glances

average of 22 seconds per week (8 seconds per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night)) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 2,816 seconds.

b. weekends

-conversation

average of 170 minutes per weekend (10,200 seconds (85 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 1,305,600 seconds.

-staring/admiring

average of 6 minutes per weekend (360 seconds (3 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 46,080 seconds.

-random glances

average of 1 minute per weekend (60 seconds (30 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 7,680 seconds.

211,200 weekday seconds conversing + 15,360 weekday seconds staring/admiring + 2,816 weekday seconds of random glances + 1,305,600 weekend seconds conversing + 46,080 weekend seconds staring/admiring + 7,680 weekend seconds of random glances = 1,588,736 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'courting' phase.

2. Moving in together phase

- conversation

average of 8 minutes per day (480 seconds) for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 418,560 seconds.

-staring/admiring

average of 1.5 minutes per day (90 seconds) for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 78,480 seconds.

-random glances

average of 25 seconds per day for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 21,800 seconds.

418,560 seconds conversing + 78,480 seconds staring/admiring + 21,800 seconds of random glances = 518,840 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'moving in together' phase.

3. Marriage phase

- conversation

average of 5 minutes per day (300 seconds) for 642 days (period from date we were married (7/21/2006) to date our daughter was born (4/23/2008)) = 192,600 seconds.

-staring/admiring

average of 11 seconds per day for 642 days (period from date we were married (7/21/2006) to date our daughter was born (4/23/2008)) = 7,062 seconds.

-random glances

average of 25 seconds per day for 642 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 16,050 seconds.

192,600 seconds conversing + 7,062 seconds staring/admiring + 16,050 seconds of random glances = 215,712 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'marriage' phase.

4. Since the birth of our child phase

- conversation

average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 178,080 seconds.

-staring/admiring

average of 2.5 seconds per day for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 1,855 seconds.

-random glances

average of 25 seconds per day for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 18,550 seconds.

178,080 seconds conversing + 1,855 seconds staring/admiring + 18,550 seconds of random glances = 198,485 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'since the birth of our child' phase.

1,588,736 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'courting' phase

+

518,840 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'moving in together' phase.

+

215,712 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'marriage' phase.

+

198,485 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'since the birth of our child' phase.

=

2,521,773 seconds = 42,030 minutes = 700.5 hours = 29.19 days my wife has seen my face.

____________________________________________

Results**:

1st place - My mother (119.2 days)

2nd place - Me (29.62 days)

3rd place - My wife (29.19 days)

Current pacing is as follows:

My mother: average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X average of 14.5 days per year (8 days of her coming to New York + 6.5 days of me traveling home) = 12,600 seconds per year / 365 days in a year = average of 35.5 seconds per day.

Me: average of 35 seconds per day after bathroom trips + 11.8 seconds hair styling (40,964 total seconds / 9.5 years of professional working career / 365 days) + 21.8 seconds tooth brushing (morning)(238,306 total seconds / 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) / 365 days) + 27.3 seconds tooth brushing (evening) (298,771 total seconds / 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) / 365 days) + 27 seconds per day preening + 0.87 seconds per day seeing own reflection in store/building windows, lakes, large puddles, rear view mirrors, and turned off TV screens = average of 123.8 seconds per day.

My Wife: average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) in conversation + 2.5 seconds per day staring/admiring + 25 seconds per day of random glances = average of 267.5 seconds per day.

____________________________________________

Conclusions:

I trail my mother in total face time by 7,738,815 seconds. Each day I catch up by an average of 88.3 seconds. If I ever hope to catch and surpass her and move into first place (assuming my mother lives to the current life expectancy of an American female of 80.1 years (after which time I'll be catching up by an average of 123.8 seconds per day)) I'll need to maintain my current pacing of 123.8 seconds per day for another 64,424 days (6,673 days (number of day between today (5/5/2010) and my mother's calculated demise (8/11/2028) of outpacing my mother by 88.3 seconds per day + 57,751 days of outpacing my mother by 123.8 seconds per day) or 176.5 years. This would happen on Saturday, September 23, 2186.

Likelihood = negligible

The most startling and exciting finding would have to be how close my wife and I are in terms of total viewing time of my face. Since first meeting 8 1/2 years ago my wife is currently trailing me in total Rich face time by only 10 hours, 19 minutes, and 12 seconds (37,152 seconds). She also happens to be outpacing me by 143.7 seconds per day (267.5 - 123.8) so at this rate she will pass me and move into second place in 258.5 days. Sometime around noon on Tuesday, January 18, 2011.

Likelihood = imminent

**Important to note that these results are specific to the author, Rich Zeroth, and are not meant to reflect universal or broad truths and/or application. I encourage readers to conduct their own 'face time' analysis and would strongly recommend interested parties to take special note of unique circumstances in their own life that may yield to vastly different results than mine over time (e.g. having a stay at home mother until the age of 5 (where my mother no doubt built her insurmountable lead), the habit of wandering around when brushing my teeth rather than staring in the mirror (a primary reason why my wife will pass me on 1/18/11), and the ever dwindling rate at which my wife has looked at my face from dating through parenthood (perhaps your wife or husband hasn't displayed the same adverseness to eye contact over the years).

Several people trying to look like an elephant / Barney Pildegrass

Note: The following takes place in a world free from social graces, self consciousness, regularly scheduled meals, and deadlines. In short, a world much different than ours. In long, people in this world barter ideas for goods and services in lieu of any form of currency. They keep detailed records of bowel movements and record them in pocket-sized journals that they customarily share when meeting each other for the first time. In this world glass has yet to be invented. The concept of personal hygiene exists but it focuses on body parts from the waist down rather than the waist up. As a result no one in this world has ever heard of the word "hairdo". Also birthday's are a much bigger deal here. Pretty much everybody has their birthday written down all over the place (did I mention that in this world people have terrible long term memory? No? Sorry, they do). Since people are always forgetting their birthdays they often jot it down on white boards in their offices, write it in their grocery lists, in their bowel movement journals, spray paint it as graffiti in their own homes, and sometimes tattoo the date on their forearms. Since there are no windows (see above concerning glass) it's commonplace for people to paint elaborate scenes on walls, doors, and buildings. Oftentimes these scenes depict what very well may be going on on the other side of the wall or door which makes it all the more puzzling that no one has figured out how to make glass. I mean they have radios and damns and nuclear weapons and have figured out the assembly line and all that - why no glass? It's odd. But I digress. . . In the scene below several people from this world are attempting to make themselves look like an elephant by contorting their bodies and such. This type of thing wouldn't be all that strange to encounter in this world as the person to look the most like an elephant would have a pretty good idea on their hands which could be exchanged for a decent meal or a ride to the airport.

Narl: Not bad but your feet are too close together.

Toon: How about this?

Narl: Better but still not doing it for me.

Deppi: Have you considered using a fake leg?

Toon: The thought crossed my mind but I thought the whole purpose was to was to attempt to look like an elephant without the use of a costume or other props.

Klux: I don't know. I think certain inanimate objects could be used as long they were used in an abstract way with a creative spirit and didn't include pieces from an actual elephant or elephant costume.

Firl: Hey guys! Look at me! Check this out!

Deppi: No Firl. You're doing it all wrong. That's how we were all doing it yesterday but it looks more like an elephant if you use your left arm as a trunk like this. The way you're doing it you look more like an anteater. It's missing a certain 'regalness' that the elephant undoubtedly exudes.

Firl: So you mean like this then.

Narl: No Firl. You're legs are crossed and they shouldn't be.

Klux: Fucking Firl.

Toon: If I use my right arm for a little support I can stick out my butt out like this and provide the illusion of a powerful hindquarters while maintaining the the whole truck idea with my left arm.

Klux: Tilt your head a bit and stick out your tongue. Might even look like tusks.

Toon: (tongue sticking out) Wike Dis?

Deppi: Wow!

Narl: Ho - ly Shit.

Klux: If you squint a little that could almost pass for a bonafide elephant!

Firl: Hold on let me try. . .

Deppi: Again, Firl, not even close.

Klux: It's settled then. I think inventing glass is a super idea. Thanks Toon!

And just like that, this different world became just a little less different.

And another thing! / Meredith Baxter Birney

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce. . . the ellipse!!

I only fuck one way baby, and that's hard. Now if that's something you can't handle then you're nothing more than the woman your mother bore the day you were born.

To pronounce the wrong words right or pronounce the right words wrong? Half a dozen of one and eight of the other if you ask me. So just ask me.

And he spoke without warning to no one in particular. Sure no one was listening, yet sure he was making his point clear he yelled out, "I am a mad scientist!" Not the kind that deals with theories, variables, and rub-a-dub but one who sees the differences others are scared to notice. For running on empty is a state one should strive for. Self destruction! Can you afford it? Better yet - can you even make out the digits on the price tag?

Kid can't tell right from doesn't make a difference.

You think this is some sort of feel good, guy get the girl, two feet on the floor at all times extravaganza? I'll give you one more guess. Sure, it was a nice day outside but you think that mattered to Senor Rapture? He, my friend, had badder fish to fry and today was day one of not doing his laundry. Skip dinner he says. Skip dinner he still says. Make no mistake - you two have nothing in common. You think he's reading this right now? Guess again. Oh, I almost forgot, you are out of guesses. Parting gifts? ? ?

Daylight savings / Harold Ramis

OK so if at 2 am we gain an hour so that it's really 1 am but I don't change any of my clocks and instead sleep in an extra hour and go about my day an hour behind schedule knowing in the back of my mind that I'm actually right on time because there's that hour I'm saving in my back pocket I should be able to use that hour whenever I need to, right?

Right.

But . . . then I remember that I did the same thing back in March when we lost an hour and 2 am suddenly became 3 am except it wasn't exactly the same thing so much as it was the complete opposite because instead of having an extra hour I had one less so either way my clocks were already wrong and already an hour behind and I've simply been going about my days knowing that it's really an hour later than now which has come in pretty handy as I typically overcompensate and arrive over an hour early to meetings and appointments and the like.

So. . . now that I know this I'm not sure if I still have that hour in my back pocket to use at my discretion or do I really now have two hours to use or has this most recent clock change cancelled out all conscious time differentiations I may be harboring resulting in accurate clocks once again and a need to re-train myself to treat 7 o'clock like 7 o'clock instead of 8 o'clock because if I don't then I run the risk of either showing up to work 2 hours early or one hour ahead and I'm not sure which one.

Handling / Wilmer Wai

What you pay for when you pay for shipping and handling:

Shipping - The physical process of transporting your purchase.

Handling - Some guy picks it up, tosses it in the air about 3 feet, catches it, sets in on a table, stares at it for a while, tries to feed tries to feed it some of his lunch, laughs about it, pretends to have sex with it, buffs it up a little using his shirt collar, uses it to sratch an itch inside his shoe, insults it, takes it out ot dinner, makes a condecending remark about it in front of the waiter, makes it pick up the check, has real sex with it, doesn't offer it breakfast or a ride home the next morning, waits a full week before calling it and then inexdplicably invites it to the zoo, buys it a corn dog, tosses it in the dolphin tank, forgets about it, returns 3 weeks later to claim it out of lost and found, cleans it, teaches it jiu jitsu, names it Neil, gets a tattoo of it right above his ass crack, refuses to kiss it goodbye, refuses to kiss it goodbye, refuses to kiss it goodbye, kisses it goodbye, puts it in the box for shipping.

Various cerebral locations / Loretta Showers

I don't know why but my brain sometimes just goes places. The thin winter air seeps in through the ears and slowly envelopes the mind and allows it to hover there, between blood and bone. There it's free to stretch and contract, contract and stretch, until it pops loose and wanders.

So that it does.

It rises high above my existence so that the very edges come into view and there I am in the most literal sense of the words 'there', 'I', and 'am'. Complicated situations turn comical because humor comes easy when nothing bleeds off the margins.

It doesn't linger though.

Next it's in a hermetically sealed tupperware container. There it sweats and methodically pokes and scratches at the lid from the inside. A white starburst pattern slowly forms in the plastic where it tries to force its way out. The pattern spreads. Before it breaks free it ponders coffee carts, modems, and neck ties.

It saunters on.

My brain is resting on a display stand now. That display stand sits on a sheer white table surrounded by television cameras. A sad man with a headset microphone bellows at the cameras and the spitle flies. You've never seen a brain like this he says. Supplies are limited so call in now he demands. Now only $39.95 he lies. OK $29.95 he admits. The phones do not ring. Show them how it wiggles his producer recommends.

He does.

From there it treks back into my skull where it peers out through the orbital cavity at you, standing here, as we speak. It does what it does with your words and inflections and expressions and such. It doesn't understand you but it tells me it does. That's how we work. The lies it tells make me second guess it all and before you know it I've been tricked again and it's off on it's travels once more.

That damned winter air.

Minutes from the fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons / Gloria Titlecock

The Fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons of America

Meeting Minutes
Feb. 30, 2009

Location:
Underneath the big oak tree by the softball fields in Prospect Park. Brooklyn, NY.

The following members were present: Jebediah Bread, Senator Candance Dropshot, Linden B. Flowers, Beartrap, Priscilla Rapeweahter, Robert the William, and Paul Saulwall (Delegate Abraham Pisswood participated via walkie-talkie from atop the oak tree).

The following members were absent: Professor Lieutenant, Whistle Fuel, and the Manbird (not believed to actually exist).

Guests included: The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time

Chairman Jebediah Bread called the meeting to order at 1:06 pm, requesting review of the previous meeting's (11/31/08) minutes.

Delegate Pisswood moved the minutes to be accepted, and they were approved by voice vote.

Chairman Bread immediately filed a motion to revisit the fellowships acronym and proposed a change from the current:

Nixing
Old
Rituals
Making
America
Looser

to

Nary
Ordinary
Religiously
Mitigated to
Alternate
Lifestyles

The motion was accepted unanimously by a groan vote.

Next the panel broke into groups of 1 or 2 and spent the following 35 minutes constructing alternative ice-breaking comments. The groups then reconvened and offered the following suggestions:

"That shirt you're wearing would look great with the sleeves cut off."
"Thank goodness for gravity."
"Life after death would be beneficial for an individual of your good nature and warm heartedness."
"Fire from ice. Tell me how!"
"That guy over there wanted to kill you but I just talked him out of it."

Chairman Bread next instructed the panel to consider how their lives would be different if they could travel at the speed of light. Senator Dropshot remarked that this would be great because then they could travel through time. Chairman Bread replied that he didn't mean it in terms of time travel but only in terms of being able to travel super fast. Abraham Pisswood yelled down from the tree that there was no point in being able to travel at the speed of light if you weren't allowed to travel through time. Robert the William agreed. At this point Chairman Bread said nevermind.

Chairman Bread next welcomed guest The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time, who dazzled the attendees with his ability to disrupt the nearby softball game by loudly predicting ball trajectories with alarming accuracy not to mention making several great catches using a large dog catcher's net.  Ted then passed around a snack of delicious snacks.

Robert the William then made a dual motion to extend an offer of membership to The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time and to revoke the membership of Manbird who has yet to attend a meeting or pay social dues.  The motion was denied.  Ted was dismissed.

As a standard item of business each member wrote his/her quarterly invoke/implore memo, letters to Manbird invoking his attendance and imploring his existence.  The letters were then collected, shuffled, redistributed, and read aloud in a mocking fashion of its author, as is the custom.

Having no other items before the panel, Chairman Bread declared the meeting adjourned at approximately 1:45 pm.

Respectfully submitted,

Beartrap
[Grand Scribe]

How to remember a dream / Timothy Whereabouts

Hi. If your anything like me, you often have majestic and terrible dreams. The only problem is you forget them a few seconds after waking up. No more. If you follow these simple steps you'll never forget your dreams again.

First of all, keep a pen and small notebook near your bed to jot down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This one may sound like a no-brainer but it warrants top billing here because folks often don't keep the pen and paper close enough. If you wake up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat because you just had a dream were a cat named Dilso made out of ham explained to you how the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics were interconnected, you don't want to be reaching all the way to your nightstand for a pen while hastily muttering to yourself, "atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity." By the time you've fumbled with the pen cap and knocked over the lamp it's too late, you've forgotten the theory of everything. I suggest hanging the pen and paper from your bedroom ceiling using some kite string. Use enough string so that it hangs just above your face as you sleep. This way when you wake up after a dream it will always be in easy reach, just inches from your face. Now that's dreaming with style my friend!

Tip #2. I inferred this in the first tip but don't be afraid to say your dream out loud right after you wake up. The verbal repetition will help you remember details that would've otherwise drifted off into oblivion. I can't tell you how many times this method has preserved precious details from my own mind stories. For example, I never would have remembered the dream I had about being murdered in my sleep by a man with a hatchet if I hadn't woken up and yelled, "There's a man in the room with a hatchet! Wake up, he's got a hatchet!" Not only did I remember this dream but my wife heard me and reminded me of it the next morning. I call that the ole' double reminder two times special! Other dreams I've remembered this way include the one I had where I couldn't see ("I can't see! I can't see!"), the one where I ordered a turtle for dinner in Spain ("Una tortuga por favor. Una tortuga por favor."), and the one where I'm back in 5th grade and I'm being tested on the capitals of non-existent states ("Townsville, North Arean! Assapolis, New Brainhead! Seety City, St. Sainters!").

Another great trick is after you wake up always trying to dream your way back into your dream. This isn't easy and requires a lot of practice but trust me, it's possible. True story. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was a world famous penis model. Everywhere I went people would give me free money, ask for my autograph, and congratulate me on my fantastic schlong. I won't go into detail here but let's just say that I did OK the lady department as well. Anyways, when I woke up from this winner I immediately snatched the notebook and pen hanging in front of my face and jotted every last detail that I could remember (see tip #1), then I said "I'm a famous dong model and am privileged with a life of fame and fortune" out loud 25 times (see tip #2), finally I shut my eyes tight, clutched my pillow and tried to dream my way back onto that runway in Milan with my wang hanging out. It worked! There I was back at the couture show with all the front row celebs like Mark Wahlberg, Pat Summitt, Queen Latifah, dude from Hootie, and Jerry Maguire all clapping at my cock! Word of warning though - if you do dream your way back into your own dream it's more likely that when you wake from it the second time you'll be very very very depressed. . . . . . . .

OK last tip! If all else fails feel free to make a dream up. No one gives two shits about your dreams in the first place. Do you seriously think your friends or coworkers are even half paying attention when you're all like, "Last night I had a dream where we were sitting in my apartment but it wasn't really my apartment, it was the house I grew up in. And you were you but you were wearing these sunglasses that were welded to your head like you were a cyborg or something." Fucking kill me now, right? Instead use my penis model dream. That'll likely turn a few heads and you won't sound like such a pathetic douche.

Well that's it! Keep dreaming and reach for the stars and soar with the eagles and stuff!

Handle Davis III (thrice removed)

Late night thoughts of self introspection of a personal nature by me / Plough

What if 'me' really isn't me? What if the images and ideals in my head that I hold true to be what makes up myself is nothing but a concocted and distorted version of a totally different person? I walk all around town with the assumption that I appear a certain way to other people, that I take up a distinct amount of space that the rest of the universe most negotiate in its grand scheme, that I can maintain a degree of control over my characteristics and demeanor.

But what if that's not me? The only person that thinks that is me is myself and that's not saying a lot. Only one person out of 5 billion can vouch for me looking and acting like myself. The harsh reality is that I'm likely someone else - that I'm actually the person I hear when I hear my voice on a tape recording. He sorta sounds like me. Who is that guy? Why is he me? Why can't I just be me? It sure would make things easier. But I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be. Damned to live a life of uncertainty. Hoping that the real me is as cool and smart as the one I'm stuck with. Knowing deep down that he's probably more of a dip shit.

That would explain a lot.

Adjusted eyes / Acrobat

The room he was led into was dark. He could see nothing. The sound of the door closing behind him lingered for several seconds in the otherwise dense silence. Soon his eyes began to adjust and he could start to make out the outlines of walls, rugs, and various pieces of furniture.
It wasn't until several seconds later that he noticed the nether demon waiting in the corner, completely still.

How to: properly flip a coin / Celophane

Ding Dong

[You open the front door]

"Hi, I'm Chris Mullin, former Golden State Warrior and 54th all-time leading scorer in NBA history. I'm going door to door today explaining to people the proper way to flip a coin.

Now I know what you're thinking. Who doesn't know how to flip a coin? Heads or tails. Call it in the air. Couldn't be more simple. Get the off my doorstep you bonehead.

But what if I were to tell you that you were doing it all wrong? That every decision you've ever made with the aid of a coin flip was tainted? That the course your life has taken thus far is quite possibly askew due to your shoddy coin flipping protocol. That my shoes are two sizes too small. What if I were to tell you that?

OK, let's say you can't decide whether or not to rent the movie 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' and want to settle the matter with the flip of a coin. If you are like most folks you'd simply assign 'King Ralph' as heads and 'Regarding Henry' as tails, flip the coin and let fate decide your entertainment for the evening.

But how are you letting fate decide if you are the one determining whether 'Doc Hollywood' is heads, or 'Regarding Henry' is tails, or 'King Ralph' is tails, or if 'Regarding Henry' is heads? You're not God are you?

A good way to make these types of decisions is by flipping a coin. Let fate determine whether 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' is heads in the coin flip that will determine which movie you will watch that night. That way your movie selection will not be influenced by your choice of assigning 'Regarding Henry' heads, or 'King Ralph' tails, or 'King Ralph' heads, or 'Regarding Henry' tails.

Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?

Are you as excited as I am?

May I come inside your house?

Fair enough. Now where was I?

Yes. Unfortunately the tangled web that is the fair coin flip weaves on. You see when you flip the coin to determine which movie will be heads and which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine which movie you will be watching you need to find a fair way to determine whether you'll be flipping the coin to determine which movie will be heads or which movie will be tails. For this I suggest the simple act of flipping a coin.

If you flip the coin and it comes up heads then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'. If you flip the coin and it comes up tails then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be heads when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'Regarding Henry' or 'King Ralph'.

Now I know what's going through your head. Something along the lines of, "All right Chris Mullin, I was with you there for a while but now after all that preaching about how it's not fair to personally assign heads or tails to choices you plan on flipping for, you're going to tell me that it's OK to say that if you a toss a coin and it comes up heads then that means the subsequent flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'? That, my friend, reeks of hypocrisy."

Am I right? Is that what you're thinking?

Aha! I thought so. Well you know what Mr. Whatsyourname? I'd like to see you come up with something better. You think it's easy trying to explain the intricacies of the inherent unconscious biases in coin tossing to unsuspecting boneheads who've been interrupted from their morning english muffins by the ringing doorbell?

Do you think that's easy?

Can I use your bathroom?

Fine. Well the next time you find yourself needing to decide between 'King Ralph' and 'Regarding Henry' good fucking luck.

Sorry for swearing there.
Enjoy your morning.

Nature / Punt

Nature
It's all around you
thousands of years old
everything from trees to the other things
the scream of a zebra, the laugh of an eskimo
Every time you touch the air;
you're touching nature
if you think about it
even when you're in a cold, metal building surrounded by robots
you're probably still touching air
and don't forget the oceans
vast, undiscovered lands
not so much undiscovered as not fully explored
and not so much land as water
but they are vast
Nature
first discovered in ancient times
by druids
who were angry about the mystics who had visions of technology
one of them said, "who needs the printing press;
when you've got fresh squeezed orange juice?"
Orange juice
Nature's nectar
oh and there's lava
Nature's wondrous kill potion
pricks call it magma
Nature

Eight out of 18 / Moat

Assignment: write a concise six chapter story using eight of the eighteen concepts/objects listed below.

noodle salad
harpoon gun
ceiling tiles
children
helicopter
wholly mammoth
confetti
trigonometry
staple remover
physical fitness
hymnal
thanksgiving
rocket ladders
aerodynamics
squid
vanity
blue plate special
bank robbery

Chapter 1:

Jogging around the park I notice a helicopter hovering over the glitter and confetti factory. Without hesitation I remove my harpoon gun from my harpoon holster and fire a harpoon at that bar at the bottom of the helicopter that heroes in action movies dangle from. Unfortunately I failed to tie any sort of rope to the harpoon so while it hits its mark, it really doesn't do me any good as the helicopter continued to hoover, only now it has a harpoon sticking from its skids.

Chapter 2:

"Hmmm. Time for plan B" I say to myself as I pour the remains of my water bottle over my head and slick my hair back. Sure I look good, but looking good without a plan of attack is like serving butter but forgetting the bread. After about 60 push ups the ideas really start flying and soon enough I've constructed a crude ladder out of various twigs, sticks, branches, and a rocket booster that allows it to fly, thus making the prototypical purpose of the ladder pointless.

Chapter 3:

I mount my rocket ladder and shoot towards the helicopter and breakneck speed, jumping from the ladder at the last moment and grabbing onto my harpoon still sticking in the skid. The ladder passes through the helicopter blades creating thousands of mini rocket ladders that squirrels will undoubtedly find quite useful as they rain down into the park.

Chapter 4:

I do 12 pull-ups before hoisting myself into the copter and screaming my motto over the sound of the chopping blades.

"Did somebody order the blue plate special?"

I toss out the wrapper of the Power Bar I just ate and watch the wind whip it out of site before I make my way toward the cockpit.

Chapter 5:

After a brief and pointed introduction I commence wrestling the controls from the pilot. As I do so lights start blinking, alerts start beeping, and the pilot starts screaming - all indications of our rapid decent toward the glitter and confetti factory below.
"All's well that ends well" says the pilot.
"Pretty weak choice for last words if you ask me" I retort.

Chapter 6:

We crash into the factory, creating a glorious explosion of glitter and confetti that delights each and every child in a 3 mile radius. As we regain consciousness, wiping the glitter from our faces and shaking the confetti from our ears the pilot grabs my hand and speaks in a weak and broken voice.

"What the fuck were you doing jogging with a harpoon gun?"

"Anything for the kids" I reply.

Procrastination justification / Isosceles

Forcing yourself to do something has to be one of the hardest yet easiest things to do. Discipline is what the kids are calling it nowadays if I’m not mistaken. Oh how it pains me so - the simple act of gliding fingers amongst themselves in familiar patterns above letters - yet what joy can be rendered from the same elementary task.
I offer you this modest anecdote for clarification: If the mere course of taking out the garbage made you feel that much better about yourself wouldn’t you do it? Wouldn’t you do it twice a day? Wouldn’t you purposely engage in activities known to produce exorbitant amounts of garbage (cooking for a large number of people, unpacking boxes of bubble-wrapped flatware, starting trash fights, etc.) with the hope that you could fill that precious receptacle faster and faster making it necessary for another jubilant trip to the curb? Or better yet, start taking the trash out when it was only half way full. And that brings us back to this very sentence. Is this a half full bag of trash or a beautiful, heaping, plastic stretching so far that it's fading in color and ready to burst monstrosity?
Let’s just say that if this bag is indeed full, then the new trash bag taking its place was the last one in the box, thus leaving an empty box of trash bags and a new piece of trash. So goes the circle of whathaveyou.

Nightstand notebook / Mauve

Two thoughts I jotted down late last night that seemed absolutely brilliant at the time in my sleepy stupor but now, when reviewing them with a sound mind, I realize they are, in fact, retarded:

-Construct an argument in your head that you know you can win. Then, start that argument with someone on purpose because winning arguments makes you look smart.

-Tell your wife that you had a dream where you were both doing something very romantic but you can’t remember what it was. Then, the next time you suddenly find yourself in an unexpected romantic situation simply say, “Baby, this! Right here. Right now. This is what I was dreaming about”.

Saying hello can be easy / Contraption

Secret Handshake*

1. Clasp right hands together as if you were performing a standard handshake.
A. Show big, teeth-baring grin.

2. With hands still clasped, extend right thumb upward, pointing toward the sky.
B. Cease grin. Flare nostrils. Unflare nostrils. Flare nostrils. Unflare nostrils.

3. Grasp each others' extended thumb with your left hand.
C. Close eyes.

4. One person bends at the knees and squats as the other stands on their tip toes.
D. Blink eyes as fast as you possibly can.

5. Reverse roles and repeat step 4.
E. Repeat step D.

6. Release each others' hands and position hands just above shoulders, palms facing towards each other.
F. Say "What the hell?"

7. Carefully extend right arm, pointing at each other so that right index fingers barely touch.
G. Say "Are you me?"

8. After contact, quickly retract right arm as if in pain and place in mouth.
H. Look confused.

9. Form hands into binoculars, place over eyes, and rotate head up and down in a scanning motion several times.
I. Say "System processing. System processing."

10. Slowly run left thumb along left nostril.
J. Say "That's what I thought, bitch."

*each numerical step should be performed simultaneously with its corresponding letter.

What I did this weekend / Spork

Saturday: I took the two things I cherished the most and divided them by four and didn't end up with even close to half of what I was expecting.

Sunday: I watched the cities burn and crumble in the distance and decided to take on the mantra that explosions, like flowers, tend to come in bunches.

Cogitation corner / Rickshaw

Socrates once said that the only thing he knows is that he knows nothing. Well not only do I know that, I also happen to know that the reason babies cry is because they know everything. They know what God knows. They know that it's spinning faster than either you or I can keep up with yet you and me both think we can stay one step ahead.
Simply chase that rabbit back into the whole I say. Do I dare say whole instead of hole? Well I said it alound but I didn't spell it so who could possibly tell the difference?
Maybe Hellen Keller.
And at the end of the day even Helen Keller couldn't figure out who tried harder - the guy who laid it all on the line or the guy that gave 110%. Little did she know that it was the guy who plays balls to the wall.
It was him the (w)hole time.

Chapter 6: Bonding with your P.S.P. / Peninsula

The following is an excerpt from J.P. Pekensmythe's award winning and life changing book, "Sucessality is within your grasp!!!: The Seven Levels to R.P.S."

Step #1: Find someone who’s the opposite of you. If you’re five foot six find someone whose six foot five. If you fancy pancakes with syrup find someone who prefers waffles with motor oil. If you’re a parrot find yourself a terradactyl. We’ll call this person your Polar Sanity Partner.

Step #2: Find a location away from the shim and sham of it all that is easily accessible to both you and your P.S.P. A city park, a nearby cornfield, or a large conference room all do the trick. We'll call this place your Predesignated Mind Mesh Region.

Step #3: Meet at your P.M.M.R. every evening just before midnight. Stand about thirty feet apart facing each other. At the count of three start walking towards each other, clapping your hands and stating your name with each step. Once you reach each other touch wristwatches and begin to circle one another while gnashing your teeth.

Step #4: Remove your belts, sit on the ground back-to-back, take out your work ID or business card, place it in the palm of your hand, and high five your P.S.P. so that the IDs and/or business cards "become one". Keep your hands in this position high above your heads as you touch foreheads with your P.S.P. and begin confessing your biggest fears. A typical exchange may entail:

You: "I fear someone is following me waiting to pull the chair away each time I sit."
P.S.P.: "I fear poison door knobs."
You: "I fear the relationship between my right and left foot will grow so strained that one day soon they will attack each other."
P.S.P.: "I fear Mark Sanderson."
You: "I fear a famous director will make an unflattering movie based on my life."
P.S.P.: "I fear cyborgs."

Step #5: On the count of 3 sprint away from each other in opposite directions and hide behind the nearest rock or tree or chair (if you are in a conference room). From your hiding spot begin taking turns lobbing tennis balls at each other while addressing each other with monosyllabic words/names in the following fashion:

You: "I call you Gar - You call me Krin!"
P.S.P.: "I call you Krin - You call me Waughf!"
You: "I call you Waughf - You call me Det!"
P.S.P.: "I call you Det - You call me Yat!"
You: "I call you Yat - You call me Miv!"
P.S.P.: "I call you Miv - You call me Quoob!"

Continue this type of exchange until both of you are out of tennis balls.

Step #6: Emerge from your hiding places, approach each other and stand back-to-back, interlock your arms and begin to twirl.

Step #7: Continue to twirl until the mind mesh begins and the line between your darkest secret and your P.S.P.'s favorite cereal begins to blur. Once you become mutually aware of each other's need for a bowel movement the evening's mental osmosis is complete and you may cease the twirling and head home.

If you follow this simple 7 step procedure for 6 - 8 weeks you will notice the landscape of your P.M.M.R. begin to change. The ground will begin to swell and crack. A month more of diligent adherence to the regiment and two individual concrete structures will begin to rise. After one year of strict observance your P.M.M.R. will be transformed into two gorgeous concrete 30 foot high statues of you and your P.S.P. triumphantly riding horses and carrying various weapons, trumpets, and flags.
Your concrete statues will eventually turn to granite, then to marble, then to gold, then morph into one statue, then transform into actual memories implanted in every child at conception.

Congratulations! You and your P.S.P. have achieved level D status and are well on your way to becoming a Reciprocal Prosper System.

No comment / Bone spur

'Drunkard' is not a term I like to throw around loosely. In fact, my good, good friend - I was thinking the next time that term was thrown around I might catch it once and for all, hide it under my pillow, wait 3 to 6 days until it solidifies, then dip it in pure gold and/or bronze and hang it on the mantel right next to my Christmas stocking filled with almond m&ms, new socks, and a mechanical pencil .. making sure it got the respect it deserved. Then you and I could both toast it over some roasted chestnuts as the 'Christmas Story' was playing on TBS. Only then will the term ..drunkard.. get the respect it deserves. Agreed?