Email I'll never need to send / Helmet

Gwendolyn-

Not sure if you're the right person to ask but I need to order some new business cards. I've used all of mine. All 2,000 or whatever. The whole box.

I went through them pretty fast. It seemed like every five minutes I was either asked for one of my business cards or I found myself in a situation where offering my business card was expected. Folks wanted 5 or 6 at a time just in case they lost one or met someone else who might be interested in owning one of my business cards. It got to the point where I found it necessary to carry a plastic bag full of my business cards wherever I went. That way when people asked for one I could simply open the bag and allow them to take as many as they desired. Sometimes lines would start forming as I distributed them so I found it easier to simply dump the bag of business cards on the street and allow the hordes in need of one to scramble and fight amongst themselves as I ran clear of the madness.

Do you know if they come in boxes of 10,000?

If so I'd like 100 boxes.

In the meantime would you mind sending my name, title, company name, phone number, fax number, and email address to the following contacts I've made since running out of my business cards? They currently have no way of knowing how to contact me and I expect they'd all like to get a hold of me as soon as humanly possible.

BACH, GROVER - 10341 San Pablo Avenue/ El Cerrito, CA 94530

BADER, DELBERT - 580 Broadway Suite 910/ New York, NY 10012

BARNHILL, OMAR - 8033 Sunset Blvd., Suite 392/ Los Angeles, CA 90046

BAUTISTA, FRANCIS - 17 Timberlake Cove/ Cartersville, GA 30121-5200

BEAL, NATASHA - 4899 South Dudley Street, Suite 4-B/ Littleton, CO 80123

BELTON, KERRY - 1301 Maulhardt Avenue/ Oxnard, CA 93030-7963

BICKFORD, NOEL - 36th Avenue South/ Minneapolis, MN 55406

BOEHM, RODERICK - Pennsylvania Avenue/ San Francisco, CA 94107

BURKHART, ASHLEY - 4704 35th Street NW/ Gig Harbor, WA 98335

CHILDRESS, RALPH - 10 Music Circle South/ Nashville, TN 37203

CURTIS, FANNIE - 9656 Burbank Drive, Suite E/ Baton Rouge, LA 70810

DIAMOND, PRESTON - 132 West 22nd Street/ New York, NY 10011

DICKSON, SPENCER - 253 West 18th Street, Ground Suite/ New York, NY 10011

GILSON, ALEX - 4872 Topanga Canyon Blvd/ Woodland Hills, CA 91364

GOLD, SHERMAN - 10153 1/2 Riverside Drive, Suite 115/ Toluca Lake, CA 91602

GOLDBERG, HORACE - 124 Bemard Street/ Eunice, LA 70535

GUEVARA, GUILLERMO - 580 Broadway, Suite 1004/ New York, NY 10012-3223

HUTTO, CLEVELAND - 1310 Mission Street/ Santa Cruz, CA 95060

KEE, MYRON - 9229 Sunset Blvd./ Los Angeles, CA 90069

KILLIAN, RODOLFO - 1807 2nd Street, Suite 101/ Santa Fe, NM 87505

LEAR, ALTON - 1290 Avenue of the Americas/ New York, NY 10104-0101

MCDANIEL, ADRIENNE - 18653 Ventura Boulevard, Suite 281/ Tarzana, CA 91356

MCNEELY, ROY - 343 Medford Street #4A/ Somerville, MA 02145

MELANCON, ROGELIO - 997 Lauderdale Road/ Kinder, LA 70648

MELLO, GARRETT - 1906 Acklen Avenue/ Nashville, TN 37212

MENDEZ, SHELLEY - 1114 Barkdull Street/ Houston, TX 77006

MONTANO, EDMUND - 740 Broadway, 11th Floor/ New York, NY 10003

MONTERO, SANTIAGO - 633 10th Street #4/ Brooklyn, NY 11215

MOSBY, WM - 145 West 57th Street - 14th Floor/ New York, NY 10019

NILES, NICHOLAS - 76 Main Street/ Waterville, ME 04901

OCASIO, MARCO - 130 Fifth Avenue, 7th Floor/ New York, NY 10011

PAGAN, GRANT - 4316 Marguerite Street/ Vancouver, BC V6J 4G4/ Canada

PARENT, WILSON - 14134 NE Airport Way/ Portland, OR 97230-3443

PERALTA, JOAN - 3039 W. Irving Park Road/ Chicago, IL 60618

PETTY, ROSE - 5505 Walnut Level Road/ Crozet, VA 22932

POLK, CESAR - 74 Broadmoor Avenue/ San Anselmo, CA 94960

ROLLINS, DOMINIC - 1709 19th Avneue South/ Nashville, TN 37212

SCHUMACHER, FLORA - 185 Franklin Street, 5th Floor/ New York, NY 10013

SHORE, JOHNATHAN - 9130 Mormon Bridge Road/ Omaha, NE 68152

SHULL, MALCOLM - 6400 Sunset Blvd/ Hollywood, CA 90028

SILER, CANDACE - 14 East 4th Street/ New York, NY 10012

STRAUSS, WENDELL - 6 West 57th Street/ New York, NY 10019

SUAREZ, JUDITH - 740 North La Brea Avenue/ Hollywood, CA 90038

TANAKA, DYLAN - 2798 Sunset Boulevard/ Los Angeles, CA 90026

TILLMAN, LAWRENCE - 60 East 56th Street 7th Floor/ New York, NY 10022

TONG, WILLIE - 150 5th Avenue/ New York, NY 10011-4311

VETTER, ED - 106 West 49th Street/ Minneapolis, MN 55409

WELSH, JEREMIAH - 1219 W Main Cross Street, Suite 202/ Findlay, OH 45840

WESTER, LORENZO - 12000 W. Pico Blvd., Suite 201/ Los Angeles, CA 90064

WOODWORTH, ARCHIE - 14724 Ventura Boulevard, Penthouse/ Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

Thanks a lot. I apologize if you're not the right person to ask. Last time I needed more business cards Carolyn Peshkin took care of it but she doesn't work here anymore. Let me know if I should be asking someone else.

Have a great day-

Richard Zeroth

'Round the bend / Torpedo

Just another day in Tricksville

pick out a pair of pants
eat up a bowl of oatmeal
small bites - leave nothing to chance
umbrella in your knapsack
though cloudless skies extend
reach for the doorknob clueless
of what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

It's made of horns & feathers
it speaks in tongues of code
it's the polar end of standard
a spork in the homeward road
when lunch is a tuna sandwich

eight times out of ten

that doesn't mean you're safe of

what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

I'm not saying there's no value
in crossin' t's & dottin' i's
it keeps quarters in your pocket
it's vasoline on your thighs
but Tuesdays lead to Wednesdays

those weeks & months they tend to blend

so take heed when turning corners

cuz it's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin'
'round
the bend

Dueling 87's / Carafe

He passes a sign that says, "Welcome to Indiana!" and he can't help but think that the exclamation point is a little unnecessary. The map declares it his third state today but if scenery dictated borders he'd still be in Indihiovania.
The speed limit jumps from 65 to 75 and he tweaks his strategy appropriately.
"Troopers don't pull you over for going 10 over. Everyone goes 10 over. 15 is the magic number. That's when they nail you."
His words evaporate, going unheard. She's still asleep.
He sets the cruise for 87 and rubs his eyes.
In the course of the next 2 hours he passes 12 cars, is passed by 2, she tells him to turn the music down, the Wilco disc skips, and all 3 weigh stations are closed.

There are bales of hay. Hundreds of them.

He comes upon a car on his right, entering the highway from the on ramp so he switches lanes, giving him room to merge.
Soon he sees the same car approaching in the neighboring lane. It slowly creeps along side of him, seemingly coming to a stop as their front bumpers align. For a moment his eyes play a trick on him as it appears both cars have come to rest when in fact they are moving at identical speeds.

They share a space of I94 for several minutes. Just two men driving.

Maybe it was the sudden break in monotony, or maybe it was his appreciation of the absurd, but his mind drifts from the speedometer and the fuel gauge and focuses on the circumstances that had brought the two drivers to this awkward stand still at 87 miles per hour. That they were born in different towns, had gone to different schools, tried different foods, read different books, likely had differing opinions on politics, and fucked different women. Even as recently as this morning they had woke at different times, gone to different coffee places, made different phone calls, had varying success on the crossword puzzle, and had purchased different amounts of fuel at different gas stations. Yet here they are, one in his Pontiac Sunfire and one in his Nissan Maxima, side by side in bumblefuck Indiana, hurling towards home, sharing identical latitudes and longitudes 12 miles above the speed limit.
He turns his head and briefly makes eye contact with the driver of the other car and while no words or even facial expressions are exchanged, he can't help but feel that they find solace in each other.
He entertains the idea of rolling down his window and initiating a mutual acknowledgment of their bond, but but the other car suddenly disappears behind him, breaking the communion and exiting the highway.

Alone again on the road he decides to wake his wife and explain what she's missed but she speaks first.

"You zoning out or something? You just missed our exit."

Making your presence known / Box elder bug

Every morning when you scan your work ID at the front desk of the office building you work in the computer shoots a beam of light across the image of your face and translates it into a series of 1s and 0s that updates the database of the human resources department that keeps track of the days the computer has recognized that same combination of 1s and 0s and uses that information to determine whether or not the company will pay you on the day when you fly home for thanksgiving to visit your grandmother in the nursing home and each day that same combination of 1s and 0s is recognized by the aforementioned database it enters an "X" in an algorithm that tabulates 3.5% of your next maximum pay raise by means of counting all the "X"s you've generated since your last performance review and plotting the sum on a bell curve that represents the statistical average of all the "X"s of all the combinations of 1s and 0s across the country and if a certain predesignated pattern of 1s and 0s and "X"s is maintained over the course of a predesignated period of time a signal is sent to a supercomputer that's kept in a cool cave 3 miles directly below Mount Rushmore that triggers an alarm that notifies the executive director of pattern notification to activate the transponder on a spaceship orbiting mercury that's housing two eccentric and brilliant men who made a bet regarding the feasibility of that particular pattern of 1s, 0s, and "X"s ever arising where the loser agrees to let the winner wear his lucky space pants whenever he chooses where the one man called "Mitchell" said it couldn't be done while the other man who goes by "Smedley" believes it just may one day happen and is fully aware that the future of his beloved space pants ultimately rides on not only your work attendance but whether or not you can manage to remember your work ID when you walk out of your apartment because if you forget your ID and instead notify your employer of your attendance via a manual keypad entry by a member of front desk security or your office manager the computer doesn't get to shoot a beam of light across the image of your face and never sends the series of 1s or 0s and while the "X" is still added to the bell curve by means of an alternate security camera monitoring system all bets are off regarding the space men's space pants so the ship's homing beacon device is activated that initiates the automatic countdown to their vessel's return voyage to whenst they came.

36 words regarding "Regarding Henry" / Leotard

Hotshot lawyer
No time for family
Bullet in the head
Amnesia
Bradley
Ritz Crackers?
Remembers gray carpeting. Wants to go home.
A-J-A-X
AJAX!
Mallowmars
Bradley
Ritz Carlton
Time for family
"I know this great blowfish place."