Curtain Rods / Candace Birdsnatch

The curtain rod in the nursery sags with the weight of the makeshift curtain. It’s a piece-of-shit curtain rod so it’s not surprising. I bought it at the local hardware store for $7.99 to replace the thought to be even shittier, makeshift curtain rod. To even call that monstrosity a curtain rod was bold as it was nothing more than two wooden poles glued, then screwed, then glued again, together – not my proudest handiwork (but close). About a month ago the glue/screw job gave way and the whole apparatus collapsed. No one was harmed but panic ensued. "What if somebody had been standing there?" "What if the baby had been standing there?" "What if someone had been standing there with the baby?" I briefly considered pointing out how difficult it would be to stand directly underneath the curtain rod - as the curtain would be in the way - but I bit my tongue. If I've learned anything since becoming a father it's to choose my battles wisely. As a reminder to my wife that, while shoddy at best and potentially dangerous, my handcrafted curtain rod served its purpose valiantly, I waited a full week before purchasing this sorry excuse for a replacement. It was the only one in the store that was long enough. Metal, but yet flimsy somehow. Extended to the full 144 inches that the box it came in said it could cover. I look at it now and realize that it too will fall and I'll be faced with "the curtain rod situation" once again. And that's fine. I'll make do. I haven't seen my last shitty curtain rods. The cycle's just begun. The sooner I come to understand that the happier I'll be.

Things I said to my wife last night while she was trying to watch the season finale of "The Bachelor" / Darlene Botch

-You hear about this guy's ex-wife? I guess she's like a total bitch and not even hot.

-It's totally screwed up how they make you shower before you go into pools.

-How much food do you think I ate today in pounds?

-What would you do if I brought home the DVD for the movie 'Australia' tomorrow?

-I bet you I could totally do a back flip.

-So daylight savings is coming up this weekend. Gotta remember to change the clocks. . . I guess we got time.

-I think we should get the same haircut.

-Guess who I saw on the subway today? The dad from 'Juno'. Yep.

-So I'm thinking about taking up boxing. Maybe kickboxing.

-Why do people tie their old magazines into little bundles? Is there some sort of law?

Man with gun screaming in general direction of adversary hiding in abandoned factory / Theodore Danson

I know you're in here, John. . . .

[looks underneath conveyor belt]

I have to give you credit. You almost pulled it off. A worthy fucking adversary to be certain but it looks like you've come up a bit short yet again, old friend. You see, the transmission you sent? Intercepted. I'm afraid Phillips doesn't know anything. In fact he thinks your dead. They all think you're dead. They all think you're dead and that you're to blame for everything. For the missing Rembrandt file, for the explosion on the yacht. . . . for Belinda's death.

[pulls aside plastic tarp - nothing but Styrofoam blocks]

Can you feel the walls closing in? Can you feel the final grains of sand sliding down through the hourglass, John? It's only a matter of time now. Your pitiful attempt at derailing my takeover of Techknob Industries has been thwarted. It looks like once again I managed to come out on top. So whadya say John- why don't you come out so we can have one last chat? For old times sake.

[peering into the rafters]

[cocks gun]

Oh John. John, John, John. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there's still hope. That he doesn't know that the program has a flaw. That once activated, the new Rembrandt file will be missing the conductor code. That Jenkins never trusted me in the first place and he's sure to mention the missing conductor code to the board of trustees. That I'll be exposed. That the good guys will win in the end. Well, old chap, you should know more than anyone that I never take a seat at a table without a few aces up my sleeve. [checks behind steel drums] I know about the missing conductor codes. I know everything, you see. It's the same today as it was years ago at Oxford. You point out the faults in my theories and I point out the faults in your faults. The new program doesn't require conductor codes.

Jenkins saw to that.

[cocks gun (again)]

God rest his soul.

So, you see, there's no use in hiding. It's over. It’s too bad that you have to die. Really. We would've made a great team. We always did. I don’t’ want to kill you, John, but I have no other choice. You know too much. So let's settle this like men. Show yourself! I'll make it quick. It's the least I could do for an old friend.

[cell phone rings]

[answering] This better be important. We're supposed to keep these lines clear. Oh. . . Are you sure it's him? I assumed he was here. . . hiding somewhere. Where'd you find him? Christ . . . yeah just put him on.

Hello John? Simmons here.

[clears throat]

I have to give you credit. You almost pulled it off. A worthy fucking adversary to be certain but it looks like you've come up a bit short yet again, old friend. You see, the transmission you sent? Intercepted. I'm afraid Phillips . . . Hello? John? You still there?

Something I wrote while drunk on vacation / Roscoe Q. Highball

I leaned back in the wicker patio chair and allowed the gin to take its hold.  A lit cigarette dangled between my fingers.  I watched it glow bright with each drunk breath and it occurred to me that although brainless and inanimate, it remained the only proof that I was still alive on this godforsaken island.  Ocean waves crashed in the distance, reminding me that I was in paradise.

Minutes from the fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons / Gloria Titlecock

The Fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons of America

Meeting Minutes
Feb. 30, 2009

Location:
Underneath the big oak tree by the softball fields in Prospect Park. Brooklyn, NY.

The following members were present: Jebediah Bread, Senator Candance Dropshot, Linden B. Flowers, Beartrap, Priscilla Rapeweahter, Robert the William, and Paul Saulwall (Delegate Abraham Pisswood participated via walkie-talkie from atop the oak tree).

The following members were absent: Professor Lieutenant, Whistle Fuel, and the Manbird (not believed to actually exist).

Guests included: The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time

Chairman Jebediah Bread called the meeting to order at 1:06 pm, requesting review of the previous meeting's (11/31/08) minutes.

Delegate Pisswood moved the minutes to be accepted, and they were approved by voice vote.

Chairman Bread immediately filed a motion to revisit the fellowships acronym and proposed a change from the current:

Nixing
Old
Rituals
Making
America
Looser

to

Nary
Ordinary
Religiously
Mitigated to
Alternate
Lifestyles

The motion was accepted unanimously by a groan vote.

Next the panel broke into groups of 1 or 2 and spent the following 35 minutes constructing alternative ice-breaking comments. The groups then reconvened and offered the following suggestions:

"That shirt you're wearing would look great with the sleeves cut off."
"Thank goodness for gravity."
"Life after death would be beneficial for an individual of your good nature and warm heartedness."
"Fire from ice. Tell me how!"
"That guy over there wanted to kill you but I just talked him out of it."

Chairman Bread next instructed the panel to consider how their lives would be different if they could travel at the speed of light. Senator Dropshot remarked that this would be great because then they could travel through time. Chairman Bread replied that he didn't mean it in terms of time travel but only in terms of being able to travel super fast. Abraham Pisswood yelled down from the tree that there was no point in being able to travel at the speed of light if you weren't allowed to travel through time. Robert the William agreed. At this point Chairman Bread said nevermind.

Chairman Bread next welcomed guest The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time, who dazzled the attendees with his ability to disrupt the nearby softball game by loudly predicting ball trajectories with alarming accuracy not to mention making several great catches using a large dog catcher's net.  Ted then passed around a snack of delicious snacks.

Robert the William then made a dual motion to extend an offer of membership to The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time and to revoke the membership of Manbird who has yet to attend a meeting or pay social dues.  The motion was denied.  Ted was dismissed.

As a standard item of business each member wrote his/her quarterly invoke/implore memo, letters to Manbird invoking his attendance and imploring his existence.  The letters were then collected, shuffled, redistributed, and read aloud in a mocking fashion of its author, as is the custom.

Having no other items before the panel, Chairman Bread declared the meeting adjourned at approximately 1:45 pm.

Respectfully submitted,

Beartrap
[Grand Scribe]