Double dad haiku / Chum

Dad roots for Chaska 

when watching girls basketball

to beat North St. Paul

He knows neither team

he won't explain his reasons

I think he's racist

Various pointless lies I've got going / Cobbler

I worked out yesterday. My pecs are sore.

My second cousin was the bassist in the band Candlebox.

I checked out that link you sent me. Hilarious!

I've seen the movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and I thought it was overrated.

I'm an excellent tennis player. Excellent.

I own an HD television.

I've once met Markie Post at a craps table in Vegas. She was nice.

I finished that crossword puzzle all by myself without using the internet.

When I was little I won a 1989 Honda Civic during the seventh inning stretch of a Twins game by tossing a paper airplane with my seat number written on it into the car's driver side window from the upper deck.

I didn't know you were saving that last brownie. Sorry.

I went to state in the high jump my senior year. Came in third.

See that ceiling fan? Installed it myself.

I told some guy off on the subway yesterday.

I've never ridden a horse.

I was a cob of corn for Halloween last year.

I'm sorry I didn't call you back sooner. Things have been crazy.

Things I pretend to understand but don't / Lard

-the correct answer when the cashier asks me debit or credit

-the deal with Singapore

-the infield fly rule

-how phone sex works

-why you can't just put out a forest fire using lots of water

-dry cleaning

-any card game that has trumps

-the electoral college

-when to use the term "come on like gangbusters"

-spanish

-the standby procedure for Delta Airlines

-where the V train goes

-rugby

-the terms and conditions

Zich Reroth / Condominium

Far far from here so far from here that one cannot get farther;

there's a boy like me who lives a life sorta like but not from one another.

See we both like math and both drink juice and both have dogs named Sam;

Expect his math is science, his juice is tea, and his dog don't sit but stands.

When I clap my hands he always stomps his feet, each time he snarls I sneer;
When I can find the words he always says them out loud but he's so far away I can't hear.

But what we both don't know is that our polar friend walks through life rough and incomplete;

hungry, forlorn, detached, and sad until the gods see fit we meet.

So one day we both started digging a hole straight down for shits and giggles;

After 18 years and 18 days we met each other in the middle.

I said 'hey you, you're me' he said 'I'm you, but me too' and we laughed until we cried;

and there we stayed in the center of the earth holding hands until we died.

Excerpt from unfinished movie script / Fowl

INT: BATHROOM OF A 7-11

Frank is staring at the bathroom mirror.  He's dressed in a skin-tight black turtleneck and wearing too much eyeliner.

FRANK

Insanity oozing through telephone cables, seeping into the ears of all those poor sane people, infecting them.  A plague of madness.  I fact, very few of us here are actually mentally ill.  I'm not saying you're not mentally ill.  For all I know you're as crazy as a loon.  But that's not why you're here.  You're here because of the economy.  

CUT TO: INT. BROOKLYN GYMNASIUM STAGE

An old Brooklyn elementary school gym has been "converted" into a performance artist's stage.  There are about 30 folding chairs neatly arranged which are occupied by exactly 3 people:  an old man with white hair sitting in the front row and a high school aged couple who are making out in the back row.  In the center of the stage is an eight-foot tall astronaut we saw Frank working on earlier.  It is surrounded by the smaller paper-maiche businessmen.  They are all covered in fake blood, donned in tinfoil and suits, and are strewn about like corpses.  Jenna, Jack's girlfriend, is on her knees positioning a corpse.  Jack is doing likewise.

JENNA

Have you tried his cellphone?

JACK

Like four times.

JENNA

What did Frank say?

JACK

Frank doesn't know yet.  He's not here.  He never shows up until right before show time.  

JENNA

Something must have come up.  I'm sure he'll be here in time.

JACK

Listen.  You're going to have to do it.

CUT TO: BATHROOM OF A 7-11

FRANK

(continuing his lecture to the mirror)

Well, I've managed to contact certain underlings, evil spirits, secretaries of secretaries, and assorted minions, who will contact my father.  When he learns I'm in this kind of place he'll have them transfer me to one of those classy joints where they treat you properly.  But still, sometimes I feel like BENDING THE FUCKING BARS BACK, RIPPING OFF THE GODDAMN WINDOW FRAMES, AND EATING THEM, YES EATING THEM, AND LEAPING, LEAPING!

CUT TO: INT. BROOKLYN GYMNASIUM STAGE

JENNA

But I don't -

JACK

(interrupting)

It's all written down right here in Frank's production notes.  Pretty straight forward, really.  The pulleys are in the balcony right up the stairs.

JENNA

(confused)

What's this word?  Models?

JACK

Modules.  It's highlighted.  It's one of your cues.  Piece of cake, right?

Jenna looks down at the production notes, still confused.  She shakes her head.

JACK

Look, I gotta set up.  The crowd's getting impatient already.  If we make them wait much longer we could have another Who at Riverfront on our hands.  Don't worry.  You'll do great.

Jack starts to leave but Jenna isn't moving.

JACK

(pointing up)

Right up the stairs, first row of the balcony.

CUT TO:  INT. BATHROOM AT A 7-11

FRANK

Lunar.  Lunar.  Lunar.  Lunar.  Lunar.  Lunar.  Luuuuunnnnnnaaaaaarrrrrr!

Frank bursts through the bathroom door and into the 7-11.  He runs though the candy aisle, knocking over a rack of snack-sized potato chips before slamming through the front door and and sprinting across the street, towards the gym.  We follow him as he runs down hallways decked with finger-paintings and construction paper cutouts, past rows of four-foot high lockers, and through the double-doors of the elementary school gymnasium.  He rushes to the stage, jumps up, and spins to face the audience with his arms flailing.

FRANK

(screaming)

Lunar!!!!!

The audience is silent.  The young couple in the back is unfazed and continue to make out.  The old man wakes up from his sleep.  

FRANK

Crater impacts are nothing but the backbeat of lunar percussionists.  Clouds of toxic gas fill the already punctured lungs of the Human Resources Manager.  The orbital probe now facilitates your dental coverage.

Jenna is on the balcony trying to decipher Frank's production notes, slightly and hesitantly tugging various ropes.

FRANK

A diet of volcanic ash and freeze-dried Neapolitan ice cream sparsely partitioned by an elaborate network of elliptical modules.  .  .  .  

FRANK

Elliptical modules.

Jenna realizes that "modules" is her cue and yanks on one of the ropes.  This raises the astronaut's arm momentarily before it snaps off and proceeds to dangle and swing slowly just beside its shoulder socket.

FRANK

(continuing)

A raised arm for reverence, for wrath, for repentance.  Where gravity repels and cynics attract!  Who will dare gaze upon this glorified version of the uncertainty principle?!

The old man coughs.

FRANK

(subdued)

Fuck it.

Frank walks off behind the stage to where Jack is still working the lights.

FRANK

Where the fuck is Hayden?