The pitch / Auger

Get out your checkbook and picture this.

You've got your protagonist, just your modern day, everyday, everyman trying to get by. He's got a wife, couple kids, loyal dog, decent house, job that puts food on the table, so-on-and-so-forth, but there's something missing and he can't put his finger on it. Think Kevin Spacey from 'American Beauty'. 

We'll call him George.

So you take this all American man with his all American family and you toss them into an environment none of them are familiar with. I mean the whole family is out of their element (maybe a vacation gone awry, they slip into another dimension, they're forced to move to a new country for some reason - we'll figure something out). Think 'The Shining' meets 'National Lampoon's Vacation' meets 'An American Tail' - something to that effect.  

Pretty nuts, I know, but stay with me.

Anyway, tragic hijinx ensues. Surrounded by customs, predicaments, and circumstances foreign to his family, George struggles to keep them together. Mother lashes out at child, child looks to father for help, father worries about the well-being of the dog, dog ruins the mother's good shoes - the cycle perpetuates itself. They are all desperate and scared. Things are unravelling at a rapid pace.

Then, as chance would have it, George meets what turns out to be the mirror image of himself from that particular strange world. This guy also has the wife, kids, dog, house, and job. Only difference is we're in his element now. Think Darren McGavin from 'A Christmas Story'. We'll call him Fred. Fred takes George and his family under his wing. He and his family teach them the ways and nuances of this new place. The wife and kids get along famously. Even the dogs take to each other - share the same food bowl or some shit. Both families quickly grow quite find of each other and George finds that one thing we was looking for - a staunch conviction of his ability to be a good father and husband.

At this point we turn the movie on it's head as Fred's family is suddenly faced with the same challenges. Through some sort of crazy set of events (plane crash on a deserted island, apocalyptic scare, they inherit a farm - we'll figure something out) they are thrown into the culture George's family had come from. Now they're the ones surrounded with a foreign way of life. They too, must adapt. Fred finds himself learning the same lessons he helped teach George.  Over time both men find themselves fitting into the lives the other had built.  They take on similar jobs, make the same friends, and share the same pains.  It's fucking beautiful.

Of course at the end everyone somehow makes it back to their original homes and proceed to lead fuller and happier lives.  Wrap it up in a nice pretty bow.

It will challenge everything we think we know about our families, our culture, our government, and ourselves. It will rekindle age-old debates such as nature vs. nurture, separation of church and state, and the key to happiness.
Toss in some cutting edge special effects and I think we have a winner on our hands.

Sounds promising. One problem though. I'm pretty sure that movie's already been made.

Bullshit. You show me one movie that tackles all of that and pulls it off.  I've checked.  Nothing from Landis, Reiner, Solondz, or Raimi.  Not even Ron Howard.

Try Don Lusk.

Who the hell is Don Lusk?

Made a little movie called, 'Jetsons Meet the Flintstones'

Fuck.

MC door knob / Specimen

The doorknob of my bathroom door is made of shiny brass.

So every time I take a seat with last night's dinner set to pass;

I see my reflection in the knob and something feels not right;

like it's a hidden camera for some sick & twisted fetish website.

But I pretend it's a rap video and the next verse up is mine.

So as I drop a load I look at myself and toss up a gang sign.

The 'equals' button achievement / Spout

Craig had a big day today.
Pretty proud of himself.
The only thing is it’s not the “I volunteered at a homeless shelter” type of proud. You know, the proud that you want to try to slip into every conversation you have, like when you finish a crossword puzzle or correctly predict the end of a movie. No, today he's the type of proud that carries with it an equal helping of embarrassment - like when you give yourself a great haircut or fart in the elevator without anyone knowing it was you. The feeling of pride is undoubtedly there, but he's not so sure about letting other people know about it.

It all started when he was 5 or 6 or so. Craig was futzing around with a calculator. He realized that if he hit 1 + 1 and then the 'equals' button he'd get 2, but if he hit 'equals' again he'd get 3, again he'd get 4. Basically if Craig kept punching the 'equals' button over and over he would continually add 1 to his grand total.

The first time Craig did it he got up to 200 or so, got bored and went and watched some Reading Rainbow. Every now and then he'd pick up the calculator again and try and beat his record. He'd get up to 1,000 and his mom would take the calculator away and tell him to go outside and try to make some friends.

The cycle repeated itself until one day, a few years later, when Craig was trying to beat his record he realized how stupid and pointless it all was. What was he thinking? What a waste of time. He decided that what he should being doing is REMEMBERING the number he left off on so the next time, instead of starting over at 1 + 1 equals equals equals equals equals equals, he could start at whatever number he left off on, hit + 1 equals equals equals equals and continue to increase his all time record. That changed everything.

So that's what Craig did.

Years passed. Craig eventually got to 50,000. Soon 50,000 became 625,144. 625,144 became 4,875,222. 4,875,222 became 52,008,021. Every second he could spare was spent hammering away at that equals button.

To this day, at work, in meetings, and during conference calls, the current grand total constantly taunts him. "Hey loser. This is 66,660,333. Word on the street is I'm as high as your going to get. While you're sitting there listening to these suits discuss fiscal goals there's a bored kid in Kansas with a calculator that's hit the 'equals' key over 200,000 times today alone. I suggest you break out your Casio SL-450 and get to work." So, while Craig's coworkers think he's frantically crunching numbers, going for that big promotion, in actuality he is participating in a fictitious button-punching race with an imaginary boy in Topeka.

Well, earlier today, while riding the subway, Craig reached the number 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.
Over the course of his life he's hit the 'equals' button on his calculator 123,456,789 times.

He's very Proud. . . yet very ashamed.

Craig wanted to tell someone about it so bad he actually had the phone in his hand before it hit him.
"Don't ever tell anyone about this you sad, sad, pathetic man."
"Try reading a book you crazy bastard."

He was forced to celebrate in his own mind.
Craig stood up, raised his arms, closed his eyes and pictured himself drinking Courvoisier
with other misunderstood geniuses like Andy Koufman, the inventor of the slide whistle, Liberace, the woman who memorizes bar codes, and Busta Rhymes.

Tomorrow he plans on retiring his trusty Casio SL-450.
He might take up calligraphy.

There are 7 confusing ways they're remembering their 'their', 'they're', & 'there's / Crank

Write "over 'there'" instead of 'they're' when they're all like "Where's their chair?"

Did you know there's a word that joins 'they' and 'are'? It's called 'they're' and they're happy that their word is a star.

If they're talking about their location than 'there' is their word but if the subject turns to ownership they know 'their' is preferred.

The sentence, "Their standing over they're by there care bear's lair" has three misuses of the word, not just a pair.

'They're' is the word to use in the end when replying to a question like, "Hey there, who's their friends?"

'Everyone Runs Errands' is their way to keep it straight that the letters E R E go in 'there' and they're great.

"They're there and they're theirs" tell you what, where, and whose. "There they're and there their" is only written down by fools.

Mystery man / Grouse

He's started carrying an old beat up duffel bag with him wherever he goes. Always clutching it tight to his chest, never letting anyone see inside.

People stare and wonder.

“What’s he got in the bag?"

"I bet it’s awesome.”

One day he'll hop on a bus and head out west. When he finds a town to his liking, he’ll grab his duffel bag and just walk the streets.
It'll be a dark and stormy night and he'll make his way to the nearest dark and stormy bar. And just as he opens the door lightening will strike and the whole bar will fill with a brilliant light for a split second as he lights a cigarette and says something to the effect of:

“Judging by the weather outside, this town’s got a date with the devil tonight.”

An old man sitting in the back of the bar will swallow hard.

Then the leggy broad standing near the jukebox will approach him and say, “What’s in the bag stranger?” and he’ll reply.

“Whooa, slow down there blue eyes. . . One thing at a time. I hope you French kiss slower than you ramble.”

Then he will take her to some seedy motel and share a night of unbridled passion.

The next morning she’ll wake up and reach over to his side of the bed but it will be cold and empty. She’ll lift her head to scan the room and she will see him huddled in the corner, naked, asleep, clutching his duffel bag. She’ll then get out of bed, naked as well, and slowly approach him, ever so gently reaching. . . reaching. . . reaching to try and see inside his bag. At the last moment he’ll grab her wrist and yell, “Who sent you? Who fucking sent you? Was it Sullivan? Was it Hawkins? Was it the Blue Eagle? Tell me bitch!” and then he’ll either smash a bottle of liquor on the night stand or throw the television set out the window.

He will then sit back down, open his bag of mystery, and eat the crackers inside.

zeroth life lesson: nothing beats a good drifter