31 enemies that won't wish me happy birthday / Wand

1. Trudge Karlmerg
2. Dotty Pen
3. Whoopsie Johnson
4. Captain Leadermouth
5. Finkle McMasters
6. Loafer Jointpain
7. Belinda Scooner
8. Cod Meh
9. Peggy Snapdragon
10. Stretch Hipple
11. Aqua Vulva
12. Dr. Backwards Somersault
13. Heidi Notsofast
14. Krinkle Paulson
15. Mason Font
16. Flip Turnbuckle
17. Tin Coppers
18. Dorothy Pseudolord
19. Lefty Tripfoot
20. Arlo V. Foof
21. Maybe Thursday
22. Gnash Wrangle
23. Opposite Dave Same
24. Angela Bitch
25. Thermos Maxwell
26. Olin Bowels
27. Julio Whackass
28. Almost Williams
29. Balance Tulner
30. Eleven 8ty
31. J. P. Pekensmythe

Writhing amongst the peppers / Double-u

Oh my God is that Ms. Cummings?
I think it is.
She looks so different.
Sweatpants, flip-flops, and sunglasses.
Should I go say hi?
Why would I do that?
There’s no way I’m going up to her.
She’ll want to know what I’m up to, what I’m shopping for, where my mom is.
Last thing I need is a lecture from her on a Saturday.
Probably mention it to the whole class on Monday.
How she ran into me at the grocery store and we had a lovely chat or something.
Derrick and Chris would give me crap all week.
I’ll just keep my distance.
Shit, I think she saw me.
Better duck behind these cases of soda.
Wait a minute.
Why is her cart filled with green peppers?
Who would ever need that many green peppers?
Maybe it’s part of some school project or something.
That’s weird.
I don’t think you’re supposed to eat the vegetable before paying for them.
She just ate a whole green pepper!
Seeds, stem and all.
There goes another one!
Holy shit.
She just dumped the whole cart onto the floor.
Green peppers all over the place.
Here comes the manager.
She’s tearing off all her clothes.
This is awesome!
Ms. Cummings, naked, frantically pulling the remaining green peppers from the display, adding them to her pile of the floor.
There goes the manager.
What is she doing now?
Rolling around in her pile of green peppers like some nut job.
Writhing.
Screaming.
Something about the revolution,
Something else about 69 cents a pound.
Here come the cops.
Oh oh. She’s going to start tossing them.
Duck!
Jesus Christ, gunfire!!
Ms. Cummings just took two in the chest!
I’m outta here.
Probably no school on Monday.
Wait till I call Derrick and Chris.

An incredible waste of time / Cauldron

I video conference Neil who takes a picture of my face on his computer screen using a digital camera. Then Neil prints out the picture and holds it up to the computer screen so I can see it through the web cam. Then I take a screenshot of the image of Neil holding up the picture to the web cam and email the screenshot to myself. I then open the email and print it. Next I take a picture of the image I've printed using my digital camera. The memory card is ejected from the camera and taken to the nearest store with a photograph purchasing kiosk. I load the card into the kiosk and select the picture so that it appears on the kiosk screen. Next I take out a piece of blank paper and places it over the kiosk screen so that I can trace the image of the picture using a pencil. On the back of the piece of paper I write:

"This is a crude drawing of a picture from my camera of an email that had a picture of a screenshot of a photo of a printed photograph of me on a computer screen. Neil helped."

The piece of paper is folded up and placed in an envelope. Finally I seal the envelope and write "open when I'm dead" on the back.

I carry the envelope in my back pocket wherever I go.

Nature / Punt

Nature
It's all around you
thousands of years old
everything from trees to the other things
the scream of a zebra, the laugh of an eskimo
Every time you touch the air;
you're touching nature
if you think about it
even when you're in a cold, metal building surrounded by robots
you're probably still touching air
and don't forget the oceans
vast, undiscovered lands
not so much undiscovered as not fully explored
and not so much land as water
but they are vast
Nature
first discovered in ancient times
by druids
who were angry about the mystics who had visions of technology
one of them said, "who needs the printing press;
when you've got fresh squeezed orange juice?"
Orange juice
Nature's nectar
oh and there's lava
Nature's wondrous kill potion
pricks call it magma
Nature

One last look at Rick / Fuse

They had a full agenda.

The four of them met up in the hotel lobby for the continental breakfast and to devise a battle plan. If they were going to hit up Little Italy, the Met, Brooklyn botanical gardens, and meet the kids for an early dinner they were going to have to display a mastery over the subway system that had previously eluded them.

Just yesterday confusion surrounding the difference between the N train and R train led to an unscheduled trip to Coney Island. The day before they rode the Times Square / Grand Central shuttle back and forth four times before they realized they weren't getting any closer to Central Park. Today would have to be different.

Rick and Kathy had been to New York before - once or twice a year ever since their son moved out east. On previous trips their son had done a lot of chaperoning. They had pretty much just tagged along and took for granted the difference between local and express, between downtown and uptown. On this trip they've relied heavily on John and Susan.

John and Susan had visited the big apple several times as well. They knew the subways better than Rick and Kathy but their expertise was limited to the A C E line between Port Authority (where they caught the bus to the airport) and the Christopher Street stop (where their daughter had lived for several years before moving in with Rick and Kathy's son). If today was going to be a success all four of them would have to be on their A game.

It was decided that they should be able to take the 6 train north to Little Italy which they knew was in downtown Manhattan. Yep, that should do the trick. They wiped the muffin crumbs from the subway map, folded it up, chugged their coffee, and hit the streets.

They descended the stairs of the Wall St. station and could hear the train coming. Rick looked at John. John looked at Kathy. Kathy looked at Susan.

There was no fear.

There was no panic.

They knew what they had to do.

All four of them negotiated the turnstile with perfect swipes the first try, a first for the group. They hastily made their way down to the platform to find subways arriving at the station on each side in opposite directions. John and Susan made a step toward the train arriving on the right, heading in the direction they believed to be north. Rick and Kathy made a step toward the train arriving on the left, the side with the sign that said 'downtown' which is where they believed Little Italy was.

A rushed discussion ensued in which both sides made cases for their train.

"I'm pretty sure this way is north. We walked south to get to the subway and we did a 180 when we came down the stairs."

"But this one says downtown. Don't we need to go downtown?"

Meanwhile the trains had stopped and the doors had opened. There were only a few precious seconds before the doors would close again and they'd officially be behind schedule. Susan stepped onto the train on the right. John quickly followed. Kathy looked at her husband. She opened her mouth to say something but couldn't find the words. She stepped onto the train with Susan and John. The thought of standing alone on a subway platform was more than Rick could bear. He made a desperate attempt to join his companions but the doors closed in his face as he hesitated to hold them open.

Bing Bong.

They'd never see Rick again.