Dessert reviews courtesy of my father / Sleuth

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Italian Cream Cake. . . . . . . . . 10.5

Two layers of rich yellow cake filled with melba sauce or Devonshire cream and lemon curd, topped with whipped cream and decorated with fresh flowers.

Rick's Review:
It was pretty good. I liked the red sauce. But have you ever been to Manny's right off of 394? Man, that place is something else. They got this brownie there that you can order and I'm tellin' ya. . . it's gotta be the size of a football!! Jesus!

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Crepe Delight. . . . . . . . . 9.5

Crepe rolled and served warm, filled with wild berries, anglaise, and chocolate ice cream.

Rick's Review:
What's this like a pancake or something? Wow! Fresh raspberries! I like those. At Manny's they cover the brownie with fresh strawberries. And whipped cream. They call it the Manny's Brownie. Your mother and I couldn't even finish it. We had to bring it home. To tell you the truth I don't know if we ever finished it. I mean it's ridiculous. We probably had to throw it out.

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Bourbon St. Pecan Pie. . . . . . . . . 11.5

Mammoth toasted pecan halves layered in an intoxicating filling, mellowed with the rich, smooth flavor of Jim Beam Bourbon then nestled in our buttery crust.

Rick's Review:
This is really good pecan pie but you'd think for $11.50 you'd get a bigger piece. I think the Manny's Brownie is like $15 but believe me you get your money's worth. It's covered it hot fudge and has these huge chunks of walnuts in it. Last time we were there I asked the waiter where they got walnuts that size. South America or something? He didn't know. . .

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Tiramisu. . . . . . . . . 10

A generous layer each of chocolate and Kahlúa-espresso mascarpone, nestled among delicate ladyfingers infused with espresso and Kahlúa.

Rick's Review:
. . . I mean it could feed 8 people easily. They come around with these dessert carts and you can see the brownies sitting there and you think it must be some kind of joke or something. There's no way that's one brownie. But sure enough they bring it to your table and you can barely keep a straight face. Ask your uncle Jerry about it. He's eaten at some pretty fancy places and he said it's the biggest brownie he's ever seen. Hands down.

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Chocolate Raspberry Bash. . . . . . . . . 10.5

A tango of dark and white chocolate on a brownie shortbread crust, strewn with truffled cream cheese and red-luscious ripe raspberries. Topped with a halo of white chocolate whipped cream.

Rick's Review:
We went there for your mother's birthday. Probably the best meal we ever had. At Manny's. They got steaks and burgers and salads and stuff. Good bread too. They even bring out more when you finish it. It's a little on the expensive side but they have huge portions. They'll wrap up whatever you don't finish though - which is nice. I mean people walk out of there with enough food to eat for a week!!

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Cheese platter. . . . . . . . . 15.5

Chef's finest cheese selection served with dried fruit, nuts, and crackers.

Rick's Review:
I took a picture of it last time we was there. The brownie. I put my hand up next to it so you could get an idea of the scale. I mean you wouldn't believe the size of this thing! It's gotta weigh 3 pounds. The Manny's Brownie they call it. I betcha they're homemade too. It's something else.

Note left for Kelly / Spigot

Hi Kelly!

Thanks so much for house sitting! We really appreciate it. Please make yourself at home. The fridge is stocked and there's plenty of frozen pizzas in the freezer.

We get HBO - channel 501 -and Showtime - channel 532 - so there shouldn't be a shortage of movies to watch. I think 'Dan in Real Life' just came out. We watched it just the other night and thought it was pretty good.

The remote controls aren't as daunting as they appear. The big silver one turns on the TV. Just use the 'Power' button. The older looking black one with the green electrical tape changes the channels and controls the volume. The shiny black one is for the sex swing. The others should be ignored. In fact don't even look at them. They are optic remote controls that are operated by eye contact. They control the ceiling, floor, and most of the walls.

If you could do us a favor and check the mail everyday that would be great. We keep the mailbox locked (my wife frequently orders extremely delicious gourmet sandwiches by mail that are often stolen and eaten by the various snobby foodies who aimlessly wonder the neighborhood, hence the lock). The key to the mailbox is located in the upper right drawer of the medium sized bureau in the master bedroom. Even though the drawer says "Sleeping Bats" feel free to open it up to get the key. Be careful not to confuse it with the upper right hand drawer of the medium sized dresser - also in the master bedroom. That drawer also says "Sleeping Bats" but SHOULD NOT BE OPENED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

A few other tips and things to keep in mind:

On Tuesday a man claiming to be Tim will stop by at precisely 8:15 am. DO NOT LET HIM INSIDE BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE WANTS. He talks backwards and any purpose or meaning to his weekly visits is masked in indecipherable babble. We’ve left the video camera near the front door so that when he does arrive you can videotape his incessant, nonsensical rambling. He'll try to wiggle his way into the house but can be pretty easily fended off using the push broom by the coat rack. After about 45 minutes he'll give up and make his way to the Kessler's place next door. Once he's gone you should be able to play the videotape backwards to make out what he was saying. It would be great if you could transcribe anything you're able to decipher and jot it down in the notebook on the coffee table labeled "Tim's plight".
So far we've been able to figure out that he's sad, scared, and thinks that new show "Fringe" on Fox is way underrated and ahead of it's time.

Word of warning - best to stay out of the basement. The stairs leading there are upside down - sorta like one of those crazy stair pencil drawings with the people walking in all different directions. They can be quite tricky to navigate if you're not used to them. If you need to go down there (to retrieve more canned peaches, to turn down the music, or to use the bathroom (the one one the main floor is broken and the upstairs bathroom is fake)) it’s best to simply pick up the phone and call Gary at 651-454-4355. He's the 627 lb. man that lives in the basement. He can lower you down using a bucket and pulley apparatus he constructed using buffalo wing bones and loner socks. He's a pretty handy guy! Ornery, but handy.

Oh and we have a pet garnawl. His name is Fuck You. Feed him, care for him, and always stay in front of him the same you would any garnawl. Also don't be surprised if he crawls into bed with you. He's quite the snuggler.

If you need to get a hold of us call basement Gary. He's got a copy of our itinerary. He actually planned the whole trip! He's surprisingly well traveled for a man of his size. Quite ornery, but well traveled. It's amazing what you can do with a helicopter, cargo net, and a pair of binoculars.

Make yourself at home! Have fun!

Ben and Beth Hildegaard

Train of thought / Sheath

-fuck I'm tired-
-should I buy another coffee?-
-am I addicted to caffeine?-
-if i was wouldn't i get headaches?-
withdrawal symptoms-
the shakes-
spasms-
spaz-
retard-
-wheelchair-
-murder ball-
-motocross-
-bike ramp-
-baseball card in the spokes-
-bo jackson rookie card-
-complete set of '87 donruss-
-buying packs of cards at shinders-
-porn section in the back-
-penthouse in dad's sock drawer-
-stole it and hid it in the sandbox-
-gritty boobs-
-honeymoon in santorini-
-siestas-
-fuck I'm tired-
-I'm getting coffee-

Seven rational fears of this one guy I know / Perm

The fear that you've used the public restroom too fast and the people who saw you walk in and walk out assume you didn't wash your hands which you did (although you didn't use soap because you were in a hurry).

The fear that the waiter did not bring you the bottle of wine you ordered and he's watching you taste the initial sample pour and laughing to himself because he's brought you the cheapest bottle of wine from the menu, not the second cheapest which is what you ordered.

The fear that your casual walking pace is far too fast and people think you're some sort of spaz or something.

The fear that everyone else on the train can hear what you're listening to on your iPod through some elaborate prank involving new technology which can pick up your iPod's signal and somehow transmit it through the public transportation's PA system and you're listening to Hanson's "MMMMM Bop".

The fear that as soon as you walk out of the office each day the rest of your co-workers all start having sex with each other and yelling, "Thank God he's gone so we can all start having sex with each other!"

The fear that you look like a fag when using a straw. That you're doing it all wrong and there's some sort of strategy to it that no one's telling you.

The fear that you've mistakenly put the left ear bud in your right ear and the left ear bud in your right ear and your hands are currently occupied with a dog leash, baby stroller, and a plastic bag full of dog shit so it would sort of be a whole production to attempt to double-check but if you don't you risk some sort of undocumented damage to your hearing in which sounds coming from your left will seem to be coming from your right and vice versa.

Faux pas of elliptical proportions / Clydesdale

I was at the gym the other day and I was working it on one of those elliptical machines. As I was pumping away for some reason I decided to point my fingers.

You don’t really realize how ridiculous you look on an elliptical trainer until you try it with your fingers pointed - like the drunk uncle at your cousin's wedding reception.

I assumed all the other people at the gym saw me and judged me so I used it as my excuse to end my workout after four minutes and return home.

Evidently I can burn the same amount of calories dancing badly by myself in the privacy of my own home.