Eight out of 18 / Moat

Assignment: write a concise six chapter story using eight of the eighteen concepts/objects listed below.

noodle salad
harpoon gun
ceiling tiles
children
helicopter
wholly mammoth
confetti
trigonometry
staple remover
physical fitness
hymnal
thanksgiving
rocket ladders
aerodynamics
squid
vanity
blue plate special
bank robbery

Chapter 1:

Jogging around the park I notice a helicopter hovering over the glitter and confetti factory. Without hesitation I remove my harpoon gun from my harpoon holster and fire a harpoon at that bar at the bottom of the helicopter that heroes in action movies dangle from. Unfortunately I failed to tie any sort of rope to the harpoon so while it hits its mark, it really doesn't do me any good as the helicopter continued to hoover, only now it has a harpoon sticking from its skids.

Chapter 2:

"Hmmm. Time for plan B" I say to myself as I pour the remains of my water bottle over my head and slick my hair back. Sure I look good, but looking good without a plan of attack is like serving butter but forgetting the bread. After about 60 push ups the ideas really start flying and soon enough I've constructed a crude ladder out of various twigs, sticks, branches, and a rocket booster that allows it to fly, thus making the prototypical purpose of the ladder pointless.

Chapter 3:

I mount my rocket ladder and shoot towards the helicopter and breakneck speed, jumping from the ladder at the last moment and grabbing onto my harpoon still sticking in the skid. The ladder passes through the helicopter blades creating thousands of mini rocket ladders that squirrels will undoubtedly find quite useful as they rain down into the park.

Chapter 4:

I do 12 pull-ups before hoisting myself into the copter and screaming my motto over the sound of the chopping blades.

"Did somebody order the blue plate special?"

I toss out the wrapper of the Power Bar I just ate and watch the wind whip it out of site before I make my way toward the cockpit.

Chapter 5:

After a brief and pointed introduction I commence wrestling the controls from the pilot. As I do so lights start blinking, alerts start beeping, and the pilot starts screaming - all indications of our rapid decent toward the glitter and confetti factory below.
"All's well that ends well" says the pilot.
"Pretty weak choice for last words if you ask me" I retort.

Chapter 6:

We crash into the factory, creating a glorious explosion of glitter and confetti that delights each and every child in a 3 mile radius. As we regain consciousness, wiping the glitter from our faces and shaking the confetti from our ears the pilot grabs my hand and speaks in a weak and broken voice.

"What the fuck were you doing jogging with a harpoon gun?"

"Anything for the kids" I reply.

Alternative slang / Coil

A diamond in the rough = A frisbee on the roof
A shot in the dark = A swing at the mirror
Ace in the hole = A grape in my coat pocket
Against the grain = Not what Aunt Carol said
Balls to the wall = I actually wouldn't change this one. 'Balls to the wall' is perfect
Barking up the wrong tree = Walking into the wrong apartment
Behind the eight ball = On the F Train during rush hour
Between a rock and a hard place = On the L Train during rush hour
Birds of a feather flock together = They're a couple of dicks
Bite the bullet = Bam your elbow on the nightstand
Blind leading the blind = Deaf yelling at deaf
Break a leg = Smash a barstool on your back
Bring home the bacon = Pays for the Brita replacement filters
Burning the midnight oil = Watching MacGyver repeats
By the skin of your teeth = That thing almost chopped your head off right then
Chip on his shoulder = Dale on his heel
Close, but no cigar = You still need 75 more tickets to get anything on that shelf
Cold turkey = Straight Jimpy Holmes (The word 'Holmes' is optional)
Cut to the chase = Meet at the flagpole
Dark horse = Mark Torse
Dressed up to the nines = Pulled some price tags
Face the music = Eat your couscous
Field day = Arts and Crafts class
Finger lickin good = Trash digging tasty
Flash in the pan = Jizz on the rug
Fly on the wall = Nightvision goggles in the closet
Go out on a limb = Assume the liqour store's open
Hold your horses = The zoo doesn't open till 10
Keep your chin up = Don't let Larry get to you
Knock on wood = Hit Ctrl Alt Delete
Know the ropes = Introduce you to Larry
Mind your p's and q's = See explanation for 'Balls to the wall'
Nip in the bud = Apply pressure to the throat area
Pull out all the stops = Remove the traffic lights
Put your best foot forward = Give 'em the 'ole James Earl Jones
Red tape = Marbles on the floor
Rise and shine = Time for toast
Saved by the bell = Pulled a Slater
Smoke and mirrors = A magical robot
Sour grapes = Funky Chiraz
Spitting image = Luggie look-a-like
Stone's throw = Softball toss
Turn the tables = Reverse the door hinges
Wet behind the ears = Still has placenta is his/her hair

Honored blade / Chassis

Sometimes when walking in the park I make it a point to look at the grass. I let my eyes wander until I'm able to focus on a single blade. I take a few moments to really take it in, noting its height, color, and angle compared to the thousands that surround it. The blade of grass in turn notices me and freezes, not expecting a set of human eyes to regard it with such attention. It must feel very privileged that a species of the highest order would dedicated even as much as a passing glance let alone a full 4 seconds of eye contact.

The surface of the earth 196,940,400 square miles, roughly 1/3 of which is habitable land. If 1/4 of what's left is covered in grass that leaves 16,411,699 square miles of grass. Assuming there are about 3,000 blades of grass in 1 square foot and there are 27,878,400 square feet in a mile that makes roughly 1,372,595,730,000,000,000 blades of grass on the planet.

Over 200 million blades of grass per person.

And here I am staring at a single one.

Of the hundreds of thousands of passerbys I'm certainly the only one who's bothered to notice this particular blade. If not for me it would have lived its life completely unnoticed. Stepped on, mowed down, laid upon, but never looked at.

It's safe to say that I've made it the envy of all the other grass in the world. I made it famous. It should thank me and die happy.

I pluck it, chew it, and move on.

zeroth life lesson: it's easy to make yourself feel important if you resort to pleasing flora. also fame is more often than not a random sham and is rarely warranted.

10 things least likely to see skywritten / Jowls

WHICH WAY TO LAGUARDIA?

I'M SORRY. CHARLES IS DEAD. HE HAD LOST TOO MUCH BLOOD. THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO.

THE TIME IS 11:48 PM.

EGGS, BREAD, MILK, DISH SOAP, PEANUT BUTTER, CAPTAIN CRUNCH. . .

CAROLYN BURMEISTER WILL YOU HELP ME MOVE?

HI. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BUT I WAS WONDERING IF. . . GOSH, NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW TO PUT THIS. . . I COULDN'T HELP NOTICE YOU WERE CHEWING A STICK OF GUM. WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK IF I COULD HAVE A PIECE? EVEN HALF OF A PIECE WOULD DO THE TRICK. I'LL EVEN PAY YOU FOR IT. OH. IT'S YOUR LAST PIECE. I SEE. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. HAVE A TREMENDOUS DAY.

STOP AIR POLLUTION.

IF ANYONE SAW 'LOST' LAST NIGHT DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I TIVO'D IT AND PLAN ON WATCHING IT AFTER WORK.

OUT OF THE OFFICE. BACK ON MONDAY, SEPT. 8TH.

GO EXPOS!

Crack tally / Snorkel

People always come up to me on the street and say, "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?" And I’m always tempted to respond with a classic like, ‘What is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Will mankind ever be able to travel through time?’ but I always can't help but think that if I had the opportunity, I’d ask God a completely random and original question that no one else would know the answer to. Something along the lines of - "Compared to the rest of the human race, how am I faring as far as not stepping on cracks?" Because I'm pretty good about remembering not to step on cracks when walking down the street. Good enough that I'd like to think I rank in the top 10% in the history of the universe. 

And it would probably throw God off a little. 

He’d be like, “Cracks? . . . You mean like on the sidewalk? . . . The whole 'step on a crack and break your mom's back' thing? . . . That's your question? . . Why would you want to? . . Just a minute. . . . OK here it is.  You've stepped on a grand total of 218,489 cracks in your lifetime."

And I'd say, "Is that pretty good?"

"Oh.  It's OK I suppose.  I've seen better."

"Am I in the top 10%?"

"Close.  87th percentile for individuals in your same age bracket.  Top 13% all time."

“What about Rod Teagles?  Am I beating him?"  

“Hold on let me check. . . Rod Teagles from Eagan, Minnesota or Rod Teagles from Akron, Ohio?"

"Eagan, Minnesota."

"Alright. . . Huh.  How about that.  You and Rod Teagles are tied."

“Wow!  I guess Rod Teagles took that bet back in 4th grade as seriously as I did.  I better keep remembering not to step on cracks."

"'Yeah, I guess."

"What about the other Rod Teagles?"

"The one from Akron, Ohio?"

"Yeah, that guy."

"You're destroying him."

"Thanks God."


“No problem.”