Monday, May 31, 2010

Breaking down the '5 letters or less' Region* / Will Medogdye


The below is expert commentary pertaining to the 2010 War of the Words tournament which begins noon EST, Thursday, June 3rd. It's not too late to play.

Enter in your picks today. Go here and click 'Predict It!'.

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There are a couple match-ups here that are especially intriguing, Phil.

First off, the 8/9 match-up of 'muck' vs. 'mire' should settle bragging rights once and for all for these two bubble words that just can't seem to establish an identity of their own without being paired with each other. With 'melee' likely waiting for the winner I see both words pulling out all the stops here.

'Feign' / 'pithy' could be a closer contest than it should be. All depends if 'feign' decides to show up. They are clearly the more talented word but have been known to disappear in big games.

Looking down the rest of the region here. . . 'Kiosk' is what it is. It may roll off the tongue but at the end of the day it sits there at the corner letting dogs piss all over it. I'm shocked it got a 4 seed. Shocked!! If it happens to make it by 'gaudy' I see the 'feign' / 'pithy' winner easily handling their round two opponent on their way to the sweet sixteen.

A few of my colleagues have 'gourd' as a sexy upset pick over 'lard'. I don't see it. 'Gourd's' sheer seasonality will be it's downfall. This ain't November. 'Lard' is just getting hot.

Many experts initially questioned 10 seed spilt's eligibility citing 'spilled' as the more valid and more widely used past tense form of 'spill'. Count 'gruel' in that camp as I expect them to make short work of the underdog, leaving them crying over milk of some sort.

'Slew' and 'delve' have a bit of a history, coming from the same conference they've already played each other twice this year and split both meetings. Don't let the 6/11 seeding disparity throw you. These words are very familiar with each other and are evenly matched. The big question in this game is whether 'slew's' deep bench can overcome 'delve's' superior preparation.

When all is said and done I see 'melee' as one of the more vulnerable #1 seeds in the tournament. I envision an epic battle in round 3 between 'lard' and 'dank', the winner making their way to the final four.

Back to you, Phil.

*The views and opinions expressed in this analysis are solely those of the individual referenced in the post title** and in do not necessarily reflect those of the W.o.W. Commissioner. Any use of the aforementioned views and opinions to assist W.o.W. participants in making bracket selections should be undertaken at their own risk.

**Will Medogdye

Monday, May 24, 2010

2010 War of the Words: Field of 64 / Graham Hench


Enter in your picks today. Go here and click 'Predict It!'.

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5 letters or less
REGION

1 melee
16 duct

8 mire
9 muck

5 feign
12 pithy

4 kiosk
13 gaudy

6 slew
11 delve

3 lard
14 gourd

7 gruel
10 spilt

2 dank
15 ilk


6 - 7 letters
REGION

1 lavish
16 mongrel

8 placebo
9 loathe

5 crinkle
12 dullard

4 bullion
13 quarry

6 stupefy
11 caveat

3 unitard
14 dubious

7 fathom
10 seethe

2 pilfer
15 cloaked



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8 - 9 letters
REGION

palpable 1
misnomer 16

succinct 8
percolate 9

derelict 5
titillate 12

galvanize 4
perturbed 13

repugnant 6
skedaddle 11

charlatan 3
buoyancy 14

rigmarole 7
bombastic 10

saboteur 2
abhorrent 15


10 letters & up
REGION

preposterous 1
laceration 16

torrential 8
meticulous 9

rambunctious 5
monstrosity 12

protuberance 4
extemporaneous 13

bombardment 6
exacerbate 11

abomination 3
concoction 14

debauchery 7
colloquial 10

cataclysmic 2
loquacious 15


Enter in your picks today. Go here and click 'Predict It!'.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

911 @ 2347 / Hector Smithereen

911 what is your emergency?

I've. . . I've taken a bad spill. I need an ambulance.

Where are you sir?

Send them to 2347 Lake Street.

We'll send someone right away. Can you describe your injuries?

My legs are broken. My. . . My. . .

It's OK sir. Can you tell me how you fell?

I was in the basement. I needed to go downstairs to use the phone.

So you fell down the stairs on your way to the basement to make a phone call?

No. No. I was already in the basement.

So you tripped going up the stairs?

No. Down.

I'm sorry sir. Just trying to understand. So there's a level lower than your basement?

Ahhhh!!! Oh God it hurts! Are they on their way?

Sure sure sure. First I just need you to help me understand where you are in the house. You said you were in your basement and fell downstairs, right?

(unintelligible)

Is is like a secret chamber or something?

Wha- What?

Below your basement. Is it like a hidden -

I think I'm going to pass out?

Stay with me sir. It's all going to be OK but I need you to hang on. Try taking a deep breath. . . Are you there?

(barely audible) Yeah.

Now there's some more information I'm going to need to gather. This secret vault or chamber or whathaveyou - you said you were on your way down there to use the phone?

Right.

So you must've just landed right next to it after you fell then. I mean you're obviously near a phone now.

I'm calling you. . . from a phonyphone.

I'm sorry what?

A phonyphone. It's a phone that can only call other phones.

I don't understand.

Arrgghh!!! Dear God the pain! I'm really fucked here. My legs are pointing ways that nature never intended.

I'm sure you'll be fine. So you have a phone that calls other phones. How is that different than any other phone?

No. It's different. It's not its own line or anything. It just hijacks the fiber optic signals of other phones.

So can it receive calls?

(in obvious agony) Only local calls and only if the digitized current is successfully intercepted.

(long pause). . . Well I don't get it.

How far away is that ambulance?

So you've got your crazy underground lair with your high tech phonyphone there. I gotta hand it to you - sounds like things are working out pretty sweet for you.

Oh Christ! I see marrow!!

Shit. That's right. Your ambulance. You said 4327 Lake Street, right?

Huh? No! 2347 Lake.

You got it. The paramedics have been dispatched.

Just now? We've been on the phone for-

Sorry about that. That was my bad. Got a little carried away with your basement situation. So I assume once the paramedics have entered the residence they should head down to your dungeon deal thingy, right? Any crazy fake books to pull on or any levers to activate or anything?

Listen to me. I'm not actually at 2347 Lake Street.

Umm. OK.

I'm not there but that's where I need the ambulance to go because that's the nearest access point.

Access point to what?

To where my mangled body currently resides. . . When they get there they'll see a tube.

A tube?

Yes. The tube will lead them to me.

Will they be able to fit through this tube?

The whole ambulance will fit.

And how long is this tube?

No more than a few tenths of a second.

No sir. I mean how long is it in distance. Like how many feet.

You don't understand. The tube can only be measured in time.

. . . . I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this.

Fuck it.

Don't hang up sir. Help is on the way.

(unintelligible. . . fumbling with phonyphone)

[LOUD SOUND OF FEEDBACK]

What was that!? Sir are you OK?

Just had to adjust the coordinates.

I've just gotten word from the paramedics. They're not seeing anything resembling a tube at 2347 Lake Street.

Look under your desk.

Wow! Well I'll be. Isn't that something. Your legs really are fucked.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Face time / Martha Plimpton

Question: Who has seen* my face the most? Me, my mom, or my wife?

*Pictures / photographs do not count. Must be live viewing of actual face or reflection of face e.g. mirror.
____________________________________________

Analysis:

Me:

1. Bathroom mirror time

a. standard bathroom breaks

average of 7 seconds per bathroom trip (average of 5 trips per day) = 35 seconds per day.

11,898 days (current age) - 2,555 days (first 7 years of life where I really didn't look in the mirror after using the restroom) = 9,343 days X 35 seconds per day = 327,005 seconds I've seen my own face in the mirror after using the restroom.

b. morning preparation & tooth brushing

(hair styling)

current average time each morning styling hair = 16 seconds X 5.5 days per week (each week day 25% of weekend days (I often wear hats on weekends)) X 49 weeks per year (big fan of hats on vacations) X 9.5 years of my professional working career = 40,964 seconds.

average time each morning styling hair prior to my professional working career = 35 seconds per day (went through a crazy gel and mousse stage) X 5.75 days per week (was not quite as big a fan of hats) X 52 weeks per year (no vacations) X 15 years (from age 9 to 23) = 156,975 seconds.

40,964 + 156,975 = 197,939 seconds seeing my own face while styling hair.

(tooth brushing (morning))

average of 120 seconds per tooth brushing session X 19% of brushing time actually looking in the mirror (I like to wander around while brushing) X 6.7 days per week (I've been known to skip a morning now and then) X 52 weeks per year X 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) = 238,306 seconds.

(tooth brushing (evening))

average of 120 seconds per tooth brushing session X 28% of brushing time actually looking in the mirror (I tend to look in the mirror more at night) X 5.7 days per week (I've been known to skip an evening now and then) X 52 weeks per year X 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) = 298,771 seconds.

197,939 seconds styling hair + 238,306 seconds brushing teeth (morning) +298,771 seconds brushing teeth (evening) = 735,016 seconds I've seen my face in the mirror during morning prep and brush time.

c. general preening

pre-puberty; average of 10 seconds per day X 4,745 days (first 13 years of life) = 47,450 seconds.

puberty to marriage; average of 240 seconds per day X 5,840 days (age 13 to age 29 (age I got married)) = 1,401,600 seconds.

post marriage; average of 27 seconds per day X 1,384 (days I've been married) = 37,368 seconds.

47,450 seconds (before age of 13) + 1,401,600 seconds (between ages of 13 and 7/21/2006 (marriage date)) + 37,368 seconds (marriage date to 5/05/2010)= 1,486,418 seconds I've seen my face in the mirror during general preening.

2. Other reflection sightings (besides bathroom mirrors)

average of 0.87 seconds per day seeing own reflection in store/building windows, lakes, large puddles, rear view mirrors, and turned off TV screens X 11,898 days (current age) = 10,351 seconds I've seen my face in other reflections.

327,005 seconds of mirror time after using the restroom
+
735,016 seconds mirror time during morning prep and teeth brushing
+
1,486,418 seconds of mirror time during general preening
+
10,351 seconds seeing reflection in non-bathroom mirror surfaces
=
2,558,790 = 42,647 minutes = 710.8 hours = 29.62 days I have seen my own face.
____________________________________________

My Mother:

1. Prior to kindergarten

a. First three months of my life

average of 4 hours (14,400 seconds) per day looking at my face X 90 days = 1,296,000 seconds.

b. Months 4 - 12 (the rest of year 1)

average of 1.5 hours (5,400 seconds) per day looking at my face X 275 days = 1,485,000 seconds.

c. Ages 1 -5

average of 45 minutes (2,700 seconds) per day looking at my face X 1,460 days (4 years) = 3,942,000 seconds.

1,296,000 seconds during the first three months + 1,485,000 seconds during months 4 - 12 of year one + 3,942,000 seconds during ages 1 - 5 = 6,723,000 seconds my mother saw my face prior to kindergarten.

2. Kindergarten through High School

average of 11 minutes (660 seconds) per day looking at my face X 5,110 days (14 years) = 3,372,600 seconds my mother saw my face from kindergarten through high school.

3. College years

a. during school

average of 5 minutes per month (300 seconds) looking at my face X 40.5 months (9 months of school per year for 4.5 years of college) = 12,150 seconds.

b. during holiday breaks

average of 6 minutes per day (360 seconds) looking at my face X 63 days (14 days of holiday breaks (7 for X-mas + 4 for Thanksgiving + 3 for homecoming) X 4.5 years of college))= 22,680 seconds.

c. during summers spent at home

average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) looking at my face X 180 days (2 summers spent at home = 90 days (3 months) X 2) = 43,200 seconds.

12,150 seconds (during school) + 22,680 seconds (during school visits) + 43,200 seconds (during holiday breaks when back home) = 78,030 seconds my mother saw my face during my college years.

4. Post college

a. visits to New York by Mom

average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X 8 days per year (2 visits per year averaging 4 days each) X 9.5 years = 68,400 seconds.

b. visits to Mom during the holidays

average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X 6.5 days per year (2 visits per year averaging 3.25 days each) X 9.5 years = 55,575 seconds.

68,400 seconds (New York visits) + 55,575 seconds (trips back home) = 123,975 seconds my mother saw my face since moving to New York after college.

6,723,000 seconds looking at my face prior to kindergarten
+
3,372,600 seconds looking at my face from kindergarten through high school
+
78,030 seconds looking at my face during college years
+
123,975 seconds looking at my face since moving to New York
=
10,297,605 seconds = 171,627 minutes = 2,860 hours = 119.2 days my mom has seen my face.
____________________________________________

My Wife:

1. The courting phase

a. week days

-conversation
average of 27.5 minutes per week (1,650 seconds (10 minutes per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night))) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 211,200 seconds.

-staring/admiring
average of 2 minutes per week (120 seconds (43.6 seconds per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night))) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 15,360 seconds.

-random glances
average of 22 seconds per week (8 seconds per day X 2.75 days per week (did not see each other every week night)) for 128 weeks (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 2,816 seconds.

b. weekends

-conversation
average of 170 minutes per weekend (10,200 seconds (85 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 1,305,600 seconds.

-staring/admiring
average of 6 minutes per weekend (360 seconds (3 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 46,080 seconds.

-random glances
average of 1 minute per weekend (60 seconds (30 minutes per day X 2 days per week (Friday night to Sunday night))) for 128 weekends (873 days between the day we met (10/10/2001) and the day we moved into together (3/1/2004)) = 7,680 seconds.

211,200 weekday seconds conversing + 15,360 weekday seconds staring/admiring + 2,816 weekday seconds of random glances + 1,305,600 weekend seconds conversing + 46,080 weekend seconds staring/admiring + 7,680 weekend seconds of random glances = 1,588,736 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'courting' phase.

2. Moving in together phase

- conversation
average of 8 minutes per day (480 seconds) for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 418,560 seconds.

-staring/admiring
average of 1.5 minutes per day (90 seconds) for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 78,480 seconds.

-random glances
average of 25 seconds per day for 872 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 21,800 seconds.

418,560 seconds conversing + 78,480 seconds staring/admiring + 21,800 seconds of random glances = 518,840 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'moving in together' phase.

3. Marriage phase

- conversation
average of 5 minutes per day (300 seconds) for 642 days (period from date we were married (7/21/2006) to date our daughter was born (4/23/2008)) = 192,600 seconds.

-staring/admiring
average of 11 seconds per day for 642 days (period from date we were married (7/21/2006) to date our daughter was born (4/23/2008)) = 7,062 seconds.

-random glances
average of 25 seconds per day for 642 days (period from date we moved in together (3/3/2004) to date we were married (7/21/2006)) = 16,050 seconds.

192,600 seconds conversing + 7,062 seconds staring/admiring + 16,050 seconds of random glances = 215,712 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'marriage' phase.

4. Since the birth of our child phase

- conversation
average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 178,080 seconds.

-staring/admiring
average of 2.5 seconds per day for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 1,855 seconds.

-random glances
average of 25 seconds per day for 742 days (period from date our first child was born (4/23/2008) to today (5/05/2010)) = 18,550 seconds.

178,080 seconds conversing + 1,855 seconds staring/admiring + 18,550 seconds of random glances = 198,485 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'since the birth of our child' phase.

1,588,736 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'courting' phase
+
518,840 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'moving in together' phase.
+
215,712 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'marriage' phase.
+
198,485 seconds of my wife seeing my face during our 'since the birth of our child' phase.
=
2,521,773 seconds = 42,030 minutes = 700.5 hours = 29.19 days my wife has seen my face.
____________________________________________

Results**:

1st place - My mother (119.2 days)
2nd place - Me (29.62 days)
3rd place - My wife (29.19 days)

Current pacing is as follows:

My mother: average of 15 minutes per day (900 seconds) X average of 14.5 days per year (8 days of her coming to New York + 6.5 days of me traveling home) = 12,600 seconds per year / 365 days in a year = average of 35.5 seconds per day.

Me: average of 35 seconds per day after bathroom trips + 11.8 seconds hair styling (40,964 total seconds / 9.5 years of professional working career / 365 days) + 21.8 seconds tooth brushing (morning)(238,306 total seconds / 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) / 365 days) + 27.3 seconds tooth brushing (evening) (298,771 total seconds / 30 years (didn't start brushing teeth in front of mirror until I was 2) / 365 days) + 27 seconds per day preening + 0.87 seconds per day seeing own reflection in store/building windows, lakes, large puddles, rear view mirrors, and turned off TV screens = average of 123.8 seconds per day.

My Wife: average of 4 minutes per day (240 seconds) in conversation + 2.5 seconds per day staring/admiring + 25 seconds per day of random glances = average of 267.5 seconds per day.
____________________________________________

Conclusions:

I trail my mother in total face time by 7,738,815 seconds. Each day I catch up by an average of 88.3 seconds. If I ever hope to catch and surpass her and move into first place (assuming my mother lives to the current life expectancy of an American female of 80.1 years (after which time I'll be catching up by an average of 123.8 seconds per day)) I'll need to maintain my current pacing of 123.8 seconds per day for another 64,424 days (6,673 days (number of day between today (5/5/2010) and my mother's calculated demise (8/11/2028) of outpacing my mother by 88.3 seconds per day + 57,751 days of outpacing my mother by 123.8 seconds per day) or 176.5 years. This would happen on Saturday, September 23, 2186.

Likelihood = negligible


The most startling and exciting finding would have to be how close my wife and I are in terms of total viewing time of my face. Since first meeting 8 1/2 years ago my wife is currently trailing me in total Rich face time by only 10 hours, 19 minutes, and 12 seconds (37,152 seconds). She also happens to be outpacing me by 143.7 seconds per day (267.5 - 123.8) so at this rate she will pass me and move into second place in 258.5 days. Sometime around noon on Tuesday, January 18, 2011.

Likelihood = imminent

**Important to note that these results are specific to the author, Rich Zeroth, and are not meant to reflect universal or broad truths and/or application. I encourage readers to conduct their own 'face time' analysis and would strongly recommend interested parties to take special note of unique circumstances in their own life that may yield to vastly different results than mine over time (e.g. having a stay at home mother until the age of 5 (where my mother no doubt built her insurmountable lead), the habit of wandering around when brushing my teeth rather than staring in the mirror (a primary reason why my wife will pass me on 1/18/11), and the ever dwindling rate at which my wife has looked at my face from dating through parenthood (perhaps your wife or husband hasn't displayed the same adverseness to eye contact over the years).