2009 War of the Words: F - Ma Region / Clint Scrott

F - Ma REGION

1 hemoglobin 16 foible 8 marsupial 9 inoculate 5 froth 12 glean 4 havoc 13 gall 6 gargle 11 fumigate 3 gumption 14 gnarl 7 malfeasance 10 hone 2 juxtaposition 15 fissure

1 hemoglobin 9 inoculate 5 froth 4 havoc 6 gargle 3 gumption 10 hone 2 juxtaposition

________ ________ ________ ________

_________ _______ _________

2009 War of the Words: A - E Region / Wanda Swipes

A - E REGION

1 berserk 16 bawdy 8 elixir 9 chagrin 5 diabolical 12 atrocity 4 extrapolate 13 exasperate 6 anomaly 11 dastardly 3 cognizant 14 encyclopedia 7 conger 10 cuckold 2 bludgeon 15 cog

1 berserk 8 elixir 5 diabolical 4 extrapolate 11 dastardly 3 cognizant 7 conger 2 bludgeon

1 berserk 5 diabolical 3 cognizant 2 bludgeon

_________ _______ _________

2009 War of the Words: Field of 64 / Sigmund Lindelinhell

A - E REGION 1 berserk 16 bawdy 8 elixir 9 chagrin 5 diabolical 12 atrocity 4 extrapolate 13 exasperate 6 anomaly 11 dastardly 3 cognizant 14 encyclopedia 7 conger 10 cuckold 2 bludgeon 15 cog Mb - R REGION 1 morph 16 ramification 8 pseudonym 9 quagmire 5 module 12 propaganda 4 microcosm 13 relic 6 minutia 11 oblong 3 rhetoric 14 puncture 7 obsidian 10 realm 2 poignant 15 pragmatic

______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______

______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______

F - Ma REGION hemoglobin 1 foible 16 marsupial 8 inoculate 9 froth 5 glean 12 havoc 4 gall 13 gargle 6 fumigate 11 gumption 3 gnarl 14 malfeasance 7 hone 10 juxtaposition 2 fissure 15 S - Z REGION tutelage 1 vapor 16 verbose 8 tumultuous 9 typhoon 5 subterranean 12 vigilante 4 toboggan 13 sheathing 6 underling 11 vernacular 3 turbo 14 trough 7 undulate 10 squadron 2 trifling 15

Fifty grand / Norman Gentle

Me: If I were to come home with $50,000 in cash what would you say?

Wife: I'd probably ask where you got it.

M: What if I told you not to worry about it.

W: Then we'd have 50K.

M: So you'd be cool with it?

W: Do you have $50,000?

M: No. I'm just asking.

W: Then what's the point?

M: I just want to know that if I come home with a large sum of money you'd be game.

W: Sure. Whatever.

M: Good. See? That's what I'm talking about. . . What if I needed your help getting the money?

W: Getting the money from where?

M: From wherever.

W: What are you talking about?

M: If I had a detailed plan about where to go and what to do and it had all been thought out and all you had to do was watch a door or trip an alarm would you do it?

W: You mean like robbing a bank?

M: Not necessarily. Just any sort of plan to get a lot of money.

W: Illegally?

M: Most likely illegally but there'd be no risk. I'd have the whole thing planned out.

W: No way. You'd get caught.

M: Why would you say something like that?

W: Because you're being stupid.

M: You don't think I could organize a simple little caper of some sort?

W: A fucking bank robbery?

M: Didn't I just say 'not necessarily'? There are plenty of ways to get money for nothing without robbing a bank.

W: Oh yeah? Name one.

M: . . . . . That's not the point. The point is we're both intelligent people, right?

W: Sure.

M: We could do it together. It could be like a whole adventure thing. I'd come up with the plan and make sure it was fail safe. You know, that there'd be no way we'd get caught. I could totally do that. We're not against any sort of time deadline or anything, it's not like we desperately need money right at this second or anything, so I could take my time and do research and look for the perfect opportunity. I'd even do the leg work from public computers or something to keep the whole thing untraceable. Once I pegged our score or whatever I'd work out the details and present them to you so you could review it and ask questions and make sure it was something you felt comfortable with. Hell, we could make a night of it - order some pizza, open a bottle of wine, and go over the plan. How cool would that be? We'd take your feedback and tweak things as necessary and when the big day came we'd work out our alibis with movie tickets or doctored receipts or whatever and we'd pull it off together. Fifty grand! Or however much! We should at least plan it, right? See if we come up with something that looks promising? I mean what do we have to lose?

W: I'm going to bed.

M: OK. I get it. Need to sleep on it. Totally cool. . . . . . . . . . I'll be in in a little bit. I'm gonna work out some of the schematics here, get a head start.
W: You know tomorrow morning we got that brunch thing over at the Conner's place.
M: Oh right. What are their names again?
W: Dave and Stacy.
M: And Dave works at a bank, right?
W: Good night.

Life at 1 billion* / Stanley Sofar

*(best read while imagining Bob Costas voice over)

31.688087814 years. . .

We watched with unbridled intrigue as he passed the long afternoons at his grandma's house, pacing through her vegetable garden, head down, chopping grasshoppers in half using a pair of hedge clippers.

391.934944568 months. . .

We wept for him when he climbed atop a large, bronzed boat propeller in Duluth, MN in an attempt to get a better look at the seagulls soaring above before losing his balance while adjusting his father's binoculars, falling, landing on the propeller with a leg on either side, and missing a full week of school due to swollen testicles.

11,574.074 days. . .

We cringed as he stood on the shoulder of I94, bawling, reluctantly tossing a bag of pot into the ditch as the police arrived when moments earlier he had attempted to simultaneously change the radio station, light a joint, and navigate rush hour traffic before losing control and crashing his parent's conversion van into the guard rail.

277,777.7778 hours. . .

We cheered for him when he took his future wife to a Five for Fighting concert at Irving Plaza for some reason where he watched in perplexed awe as the surprisingly male dominated crowd openly wept during "Superman (It's Not Easy)".

16,666,666.67 minutes. . .

We marveled at his tenacity when he used his annual $5oo employee health and wellness credit to purchase a Bowflex SelectTech dumbell set which now sits, unused, under a blue rain tarp in his backyard.

1,000,000,000 seconds. . .

What might the future hold for this heroic, complicated, often misunderstood, warrior? Join him at the Marcuja Bar in Williamsburg this Monday night, June 15th 11:18:40 pm EST and see for yourself as he celebrates turning 1 billion seconds old.

He'll be wearing a blue hat.

50 tweets from a new zoo keeper of a financially strapped and mismanaged zoo / Marcel Marbles

------You can follow me @richzeroth------

tip for prospective zoo keepers: warthogs hate oranges. Man, do they hate oranges. How I wish I could unsee what I just saw.

about 14 hours ago from web

emu farm has been hemoraging $$ since May '02, about the same time Hildegard, the truffle oil-infused risotto eating emu, arrived @ our zoo.

8:03 AM Jun 9th from web

Nipsey update: Still stuck with him. Made himself at home in my now flooded basement. Nearly out of his anal ointment. Try selling to Bronx?

4:38 PM Jun 8th from web

trying to sneak nipsey back into rival zoo. scaling chain link fence proving problematic. wish walrus would help dig.

10:07 PM Jun 4th from web

rival zoo owner dropped off blue gym bag as instructed but instead of $5K it contained a thank you note & nipsey's anal cream. Damn!

12:57 PM Jun 4th from web

Nipsey the walrus is a nightmare. last night he broke my tub, ate my toaster, & insulted my wife. noon cannot come soon enough.

7:53 AM Jun 4th from web

"We have nipsey. He's unharmed but scared. $5,000 in unmarked nonconsecutive 20s. Blue gym bag. Under cheetah sign. Noon tomorrow. No cops."

9:26 PM Jun 3rd from web

have successfully infiltrated the zoo across the street and kidnapped the nipsey russell walrus. he was a fighter. ransom note pending.

9:09 PM Jun 3rd from web

the spies have returned. they claim the walrus across the street looks more like Nipsey Russell. We are royally F&%$ED!

8:00 AM Jun 3rd from web

rival zoo opening across the street. rumor is they have a walrus that looks like Tom Selleck. spies are en route.

7:30 AM Jun 3rd from web

the porcupines are totally tweaking out for some reason. f'ing quills all over the place.

6:03 PM May 30th from web

yet another unmarketable animal birth abnormality. We now have a wild boar with two spleens.

7:16 AM May 29th from web

the wildebeest got into some funky mushrooms & are tweaking out in front of a 3rd grade field trip. I've never seen kids so excited.

2:45 PM May 26th from web

our head groundskeeper has a marijuana crop in the back corner of the jackal exhibit. explains why I'd always thought they were hyenas.

11:34 AM May 21st from web

looking at this balance sheet & thinking it needs more walrus and less peacock if you know what I mean (you probably don't).

7:51 AM May 15th from web

mountain goat just ate my blackberry. i guess that's what I get for wearing it on my belt like some gaylord.

3:15 PM May 12th from web

some jerk off took my parking spot today so I had to park way out in the north lot near the emu farm. Always gives me the willies.

10:32 AM May 12th from web

Beavers & ducks, beavers & ducks, all damn day long, beavers & ducks. Almost finished setting up the North Woods Animals exhibit.

5:00 PM May 9th from web

damn teenagers keep stealing the "ass" sign in front of the donkey pen. $48 a pop.

4:39 PM May 7th from web

the pelicans are absolutely losing thier shit. no idea what thier problem is. my guess is they don't like my hat. oh well.

7:49 PM May 5th from web

he's currently futzing with these tubes, looking totally confused. Classic!

7:19 PM May 4th from web

totally got the new security guard believing he needs to change the water in the shark tank every night.

7:18 PM May 4th from web

ordered 3 dozen "pardon our appearance renovation in progress" signs 2 post around zoo. no plans 2 renovate but may help minimize complaints

9:50 AM May 4th from web

first friday of every month we groom the yaks. they are matted and old and tired and ornery and I'm in for a long day.

10:09 AM May 1st from web

the truth is out. The bengal tigers are not hiding in their caves or sleeping behind the trees. The pen is empty. We own no bengal tigers.

9:05 PM Apr 30th from web

need a cheap banana substitute asap! My primate supplement supplier just jacked up the price on yellow #5 (he thinks I slept w/ his wife).

12:17 PM Apr 30th from web

today's the day! The queen millepede's eggs are about to hatch! Trying to get the newswires to pick up on it - not expecting a big turnout.

8:10 AM Apr 29th from web

berating my walrus trainer. They can't do shit.

2:33 PM Apr 28th from web

baby starfish for sale. $20 for the whole bucket. They are capable of both sexual and asexual reproduction so consider yourself warned.

5:41 PM Apr 27th from web

looking at estimated financial reports for the sloth exhibit all day is a lot like looking at the sloth exhibit all day.

5:19 PM Apr 24th from web

crunching peacock data in excel all day sure can take the shimmer out of their plumage.

8:43 PM Apr 23rd from web

considering selling all my owls. do not need their attitude.

10:24 PM Apr 22nd from web

dropped my roast beef sub into the piranha tank. I'm still hungry but it was totally worth it.

5:48 PM Apr 22nd from web

"animal defecation removal" has too many characters to fit in the P&L. Replacing with "fauna fecal exile". Brilliant!!

12:21 PM Apr 22nd from web

Umm. $400 a month for bird seed? I think my Todd "birds of prey" Clemens may be cooking the books to support his meth addiction.

3:06 PM Apr 20th from web

today's the day I try to mend fences between my chief coyote handler and my associate director of roadrunner habitat/behavior. Wish me luck!

9:34 AM Apr 20th from web

finally figured out how the large mammal exhibit somehow remains profitable - stoned teenagers flock to see the rhino's perma boner.

10:58 AM Apr 19th from web

just moonwalked in front of the ostrich cage - totally freaked them out. They are molting like nobody's business.

12:53 PM Apr 18th from web

daughter's birthday coming up. unfortunately I have no pony connections but I do have a surplus of water moccasins. . .

5:51 PM Apr 11th from web

new falcons just arrived! big bastards! little helmets included but unfortunately no handling gloves. staying in the crate for now.

3:24 PM Apr 10th from web

hand an extended and uncomfortable period of eye contact with our golden tamarin. He definitely knows something I don't know. . .

5:01 PM Apr 9th from web

calling it a night. turning off the lights in the safari center and turning on the lights in nocturnal hall.

9:00 PM Apr 8th from web

dolphin feedings @ 2 & 4 will no longer incorporate any actual feeding in an attempt to lower sardine expenditures - just lots of flipping!

12:01 PM Apr 8th from web

tax time 2nite! my accountant says I can write off the deaf hyena, the three-legged llama & the chicken billed platypus. Heyoo!! Who knew?

8:11 PM Apr 7th from web

killed two birds with one stone while rearranging the Tropics exhibit. Literally. One egret and one tucan.

5:22 PM Apr 7th from web

turns out I'm the proud owner of the third shortest giraffe in the world!! 8 feet 7 inches.

1:33 PM Apr 7th from web

another day, another dead python.

9:32 AM Apr 7th from web

Our falconer just put in his two weeks. Didn't even know I had a falconer. Do I need one? We shall see.

8:19 PM Apr 6th from web

just learned that the howler monkeys r way behind on their vaccinations. Looking 4 a cheap monkey dr willing to work on the DL. Suggestions?

4:33 PM Apr 6th from web

Just got my first look at the balance sheet for the reptile center. Absolute shit show.

1:25 PM Apr 6th from web

Explanation for common ailments / Verna Thingy

hiccup: an angel from the spirit realm of the nether dimension has sought solace in the confines of your torso and it's trying to breathe.

yawn: an angel from the spirit realm of the nether dimension has been slain and is screaming for avengement through your olfactory cavity.

burp: avengement has been fulfilled.

sneeze: avengement has failed, spawning a new case of avengement.

knuckle crack: a demon from the spirit realm of the nether dimension has tricked an angel into lending it money, goods, or services.

foot falling asleep: a shift in the eternal combat has occurred. Either the angels are now winning or the demons are now winning, depending on the foot.

gleek: an angel from the spirit realm of the nether dimension has failed to follow through on a promised favor to another angel and the two are no longer friends.

bloody nose: angel has turned into a demon.

eyelid spasm: demon has turned into an angel.

static shock: a former lover is reminiscing over your genitalia.

zit: demon

Let's go to the park! / Martin Multiflavors

What I imagine other people are thinking when sitting on a blanket in the park on a beautiful day:

What a gorgeous day!

My god this is relaxing.

This is great chicken salad.

This newspaper/magazine article is very enjoyable.  I feel so informed.

What I'm thinking:

It's hotter than I thought it would be.

Fucking rocks in the ground.

I should've brought a pillow or something.

I feel fat.

These sunglasses suck.

I wish someone would shut up that kid.

I should've brought something to drink.

I don't think that chick's wearing a bra.

Watch it with the frisbee asshole.

Fuck it's hot.

Yep, definitely no bra.

This book is retarded.

Why would you ever want to fly a kite?

So thirsty.  I'd kill for a Snapple.

Talk a little louder on the phone why don't cha you ignorant bitch.

Look at this fucking guy.  What a douche. 

Really?  You're going to put your blanket right there?  What a dick. 

Screw it.  I'm outta here.

Bradicca: the final tabloid / Rhonda Phoof

Mon June 1st, 9:24 am EST

Washington D.C. (AP) - Brad Pitt and Jessica Simpson engaged in a lengthy bout of public fornication on the White House lawn amongst thousands of shocked and delighted onlookers Sunday afternoon. Tourists and locals alike oohed and ahhed, snapping pictures and video taping the copulating couple as paparazzi desperately jostled for position.

According to witnesses, Pitt (45) and Simpson (28) started aggressively fondling each other shortly after 1:00 pm EST before announcing that the fledgling crowd "get [their] cameras out because [they're] about to witness the second Big Bang." Shortly after, Simpson unzipped Pitt's pants and began stroking his knob as the crowd cheered. Things quickly escalated from there. By the time Simpson mounted Pitt reverse cowgirl near Michelle Obama's famed vegetable garden the crowd had swelled to at least 2,000 and included fellow celebrities Tiger Woods, the Octo-mom, Oprah Winfrey, and Justin Timberlake who was reportedly masturbating. "I got the whole thing on my Flip camera" stated Winfrey. "In fact I gave everyone there a Flip camera to document this momentous occasion."

The clip surfaced on YouTube before the couple had finished intercourse and quickly garnered 100 million hits before being deleted due to lewd content and reposted on PornoTube. In fact, those with iPhones equipped with Skype began transmitting live video feeds to friends and family just as Simpson reached her fifth of alleged nine orgasms.

Jeremy Piven was also reportedly there.

It's rumored that widespread fears are circulating amongst publishers of celebrity based magazines suck as OK, Star, In Touch, US, and People that this episode of public star fucking will damper interest in their relentless coverage of famous people doing anything at all.

Renowned celebrity photographer and paparazzi member Alex Barney echoed such concerns. "This is it. I can't imagine anyone ever caring to see a picture of Drew Barrymore purchasing a bran muffin in her sweatpants ever again. We're fucked."

In what some are calling a desperate attempt to monetize the affair, the aforementioned celebrity centered publications are scrambling to ditch their lead stories and focus on the Pitt / Simpson sex union. OK Magazine had planned to feature a rumor that Hugh Jackman prefers riding horseback to limousines on its cover but will now lead with an in-depth story titled "Stars are just like us: They sixty-nine!" Similarly People will ditch a story of Madonna's new Grape Shasta diet in favor of close up shots of Pitt's erect wang.

Whether or not the public will take the bait and pay $6.99 for a collection of photographs they've already seen or own themselves remains to be seen. "Now that I've seen Jessica Simpson's ass in person and discussed it at length with my coworkers and children I don't feel it necessary to get TMZ's or Billy Bush's take on it" said Gretchen Felber, mother of four who was on her way to the Washington monument with her family when she heard of the famous pair's hard core fucking nearby. "As far as celebrity news is concerned I now feel like I've seen everything I need to see. I'm finally satisfied."

When reached for comment members of the Pitt camp denied the open screw session. "This story is completely fabricated," said a spokeswoman for Pitt. "Brad was in Namibia shopping for children with Angelina for the afternoon in question. This must be a clear case of mistaken identity."

It's rumored that Barack Obama witnessed the romp from the window in the oval office.

The milestone event came to conclusion at 2:17 pm EST when Pitt released his sought after celebrity seed on Simpson's equally treasured breasts. As they put thier clothes back on (Pitt was wearing a Tom Ford suit with an ascot and Gucci loafers and Simpson a Baby Phat hoodie with Diesel jeans) a group of 4th graders recited the pledge of allegiance. The visibly exhausted Pitt then thanked the crowd, punched and old woman in the face, and reminded everyone that "Inglorious Basterds" opens on August 21st.